Tag: spirituality

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The Only Fans Effect.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

In the current era, a significant number of individuals are involved in platforms such as OnlyFans. This phenomenon has become increasingly prevalent, to the extent that you either know someone who has an OnlyFans or unknowingly know someone that uses it (thankfully) . It’s becoming more and more accepting and less taboo…But is this a good thing?

The year 2020 witnessed a surge in individuals joining such platforms, a trend that was accentuated by the conditions of the pandemic. While I actually personally explored involvement in OnlyFans, it is important to note that this observation is made without prejudice. Notably, these platforms have empowered women, providing them with greater independence and control over their content and earnings, in contrast to traditional forms of adult entertainment (PORN). Nonetheless, it is crucial to acknowledge the negative aspects associated with these platforms. The deeper societal implications of this trend are yet to fully materialize, and yes, we are celebrating these changes with more governments talking about legalizing prostitution. We have become a world of wokeness that has literally let women become empowered by unfortunately becoming what is dragging us slowly down: a sex object.

It is important to understand that I have a unique viewpoint on this topic and that my opinion changes daily on this subject; it’s a touchy subject that can split the room. I’m not one of these judgmental women looking from the other side of the window, judging other women. I was a sex worker from the age of 17, and I experienced all the stereotypes you associate with that world: abuse, addiction, depression, toxic men. Thankfully, I came out the other side just about. It’s giving time to reflect on my journey and heal.

I did a little digging to find women who want to talk about their stories for my blog. Of course, it’s been hard, as many women just want to forget about it, feel ashamed, and don’t even connect with the person they once were. But I’ve managed to find some stories already out there that can back me up. Unfortunately we have articles all over the place saying how glamourios it is and how much money they are making. When big headlines paint of picture of ‘Money, Independence , Luxury and fast money’ all sounds very appealing, it’s hard not be at least a little bit intrigued.

Women talk about the mental impact from being a sex worker, be it OnlyFans, porn, or escorting. From relationship troubles to suffering PTSD and nightmares, low sex drive, or a negative feeling towards sex, regardless of whether this is in loving relationships. Having problems with affection and men in general. This is all very true, it took me a while to enjoy sex in a relationship without feeling like i was constantly being used.

Now the money is the most attractive part of this job, after a while, though, it is draining. Women feel stuck in this business. These women explain how they have even felt a part missing from them when exiting the business, something I can strongly empathize with. This is something I struggled with very much and still do three years later. I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s so much easier to go back than to start again, and I know this is a big problem in the sex industry that women are not talking about! There will come a time when life must change whether we like it or not, but leaving the industry with a lot of trauma is very hard.

It’s crucial to address the difficulties and challenges faced by individuals, especially women, in the sex industry. The allure of financial stability often draws individuals into this line of work, but the emotional toll and feeling of entrapment can lead to long-lasting struggles. The sense of loss and identity crisis upon leaving this profession is a profound experience shared by many. The fear of starting over and the prevalence of unspoken trauma within the industry contribute to the cycle of returning rather than pursuing a new path.

Recognizing the need for open conversations and support mechanisms is vital in addressing the complexities of transitioning away from the sex industry. Women’s voices and their stories need to be heard to bring about meaningful change. The journey of leaving this profession is hard, By acknowledging and addressing these challenges, we can work towards creating a more supportive environment for individuals seeking to move beyond their past experiences in the sex industry.”

One woman explained how it made her feel ’empty, lost, and numb to go from individual to individual, making no real emotional contact’. Of course, we live in a ‘Bad Bitch’ era where we have made ourselves believe we don’t need men, love, or compassion. We all need these things and are only lying to ourselves. Without these things the feminine energy cannot be nurtured and we become a cold, man hating world of women. Of course men do need to change too, and with knowledge this can also happen, i will be talking about this very soon.

I think while more women are starting to tell their stories, we shouldn’t just wait for the dismissal and impact of what is yet to come, I hope my blog can help you see a different side to the industry.

I would love to hear your opinion and lets get talking!

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Mental Health Uncategorized

The spiritual journey.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com
spiritual awakening
spiritual awakening

I’ve always believed in the unknown. In fact, I was fascinated by it from a young age. One propelling moment that really stood out for me was seeing the ghost of a woman, whom I’m guessing was from the Victorian era judging by her attire. I was 12 years old on a school trip in Wales, UK. Coming from a rather spiritual family that has had many unexplained experiences, I feel that having all this knowledge has helped me in my adult years when I started my own spiritual awakening.

I think we all have our own version of our spiritual journey, and while it is a very lonely and isolated feeling, there are others who have experienced it too. This is why I would love to share my story to help others. I am still on my own journey; it’s been hard and still is. Perhaps that’s why I feel the need to write.

The path to discovery.

The path of self-discovery is not an easy one. It often requires us to confront our inner demons and face the parts of ourselves that we may fear or have long ignored. This process can be painful and challenging, but it is necessary for growth and transformation. When we find ourselves in the depths of darkness, it can feel overwhelming. The weight of our struggles and mistakes can seem insurmountable. But it is in these moments that we must summon the strength to reach out for help and seek guidance.

Asking the universe for assistance is not an admission of weakness, but rather a brave act of surrendering to the greater forces at play. It is an acknowledgment that we cannot overcome our challenges alone and a willingness to receive the support and guidance that the universe has to offer.

In my personal experience, I have found that the universe often responds to our sincere requests for guidance. It may come in the form of synchronicities, signs, or the presence of individuals who can offer insight and support. However, it is up to us to remain open and receptive to these messages, even in our darkest moments.

Through this process of seeking the light, we can begin to unravel the layers of our darkness and uncover the hidden truths within ourselves. We may discover underlying wounds that need healing, patterns that need to be broken, or beliefs that no longer serve us. It is a journey of self-reflection, self-compassion, and self-empowerment.

Ultimately, finding the light amidst the darkness is not a one-time event. It is an ongoing process that requires diligence, patience, and self-love. As we continue to navigate life’s challenges, we may find ourselves facing new layers of darkness, but we can take comfort in knowing that the light remains within us, ready to guide us on our path. So, I encourage you to embrace your journey, embrace your darkness, and seek the light that resides within you. The universe is always ready to offer its guidance if you are willing to ask and listen.

The chaos of 2023.

I understand that 2023 has brought about significant changes, and it’s evident that everyone can sense this shift. It fills me with a sense of gratitude to witness such a conscious transformation alongside others. This realization reaffirms the authenticity of our individual journeys and fosters a shared belief that we are never alone in this process.

The world is on a low level vibration due to the conditioning of the material world. I call this the ego. I very much fight my ego every day. Is this why us spiritual beings are going through this awakening? And when I say us, I assume you must be on this journey too since this message has reached you, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this! But as I was saying, the world is going through a shift, a spiritual battle. Many are lost, and if you are awakened, congratulations! You have woken up to see how messed up this reality and world is. Now, mixing the world’s problems and your own is not what I recommend. Heal yourself because positive energy is what helps the world, one by one as they say. But let’s be honest, it’s not easy. I have dark days still. It’s difficult, but the good days always come back eventually. Balance.

The Yin and Yang.

People may ask why must God or the Universe allow such suffering ? Why must people do horrible things and be bad to others? Why is the world so corrupt ? well… have you ever heard of yin and yang? . The very balance and essence of the world ,how all must be balanced. What is Good without Bad? would we even appreciate good if we didn’t have Bad?

I believe we come into this world to experience being human and ultimately to become higher versions of ourselves. Being human, to me, is to feel emotions – both the good and the bad. Sometimes the only way to truly feel like we are living and not just existing is to embrace and experience all our emotions, even the most unsettling ones. These emotions can make us feel the most alive. We all wish life were “easy” and that we could be happy all the time. However, I can guarantee that we would not feel fulfilled. While happiness, excitement, and joy are wonderful emotions, we must also value unhappiness and sadness. These emotions are still valid and, although not pleasant, they make us feel alive. They make us human. The human experience is about feeling that emotion. Earth is not easy, sort of like a school where we are all in the same boat just at different tides.

Back to my first paragraph, I have had many strange, unexplained situations unfold from premonitions that cannot be explained by science. I have seen ‘ghosts’ and felt energy, although still skeptical of some ghost programs on TV. We have all had a moment perhaps when we feel a vibe of someone we are not sure about. That little voice called intuition, that in most cases is always right.

ARE WE living or just existing?

Me and my friend were driving back from work the other week when my friend turned to me and said, “I feel like I’m just existing and not living”… Strange, as I had the very same thought earlier that week. The days go quicker and it sometimes feels like Groundhog Day. I like routine, but sometimes I need excitement, I need emotion, I need a big plot like in the movies. I’m lacking true excitement and happiness. I dwell only on a few emotions: sadness and negativity. Although from my previous point, these are valid and important emotions, it’s clear that my emotional balance is very much unbalanced. When we feel these emotions, although obvious they are very much subtle signs of how we view ourselves and how we feel about our lives. Nobody can be happy 24/7 and i mean nobody, we are affected by outside sources , the news, even the moon can affect us, hence the full moon affect and lets be honest, life is just not plain sailing. If you woke up feeling sad ask yourself firstly , if it’s any out sources that could have potentially changed your mood, let’s be honest Tik Tok has a very powerful energy of doing that as well as other social medias. I won’t sit here and pretend the first thing i do before i get up is check my phone, even before brushing my teeth. A bad habit i’m working on, i notice how that can have a major impact on the rest of my day.

In conclusion, the journey to self discovery and spiritual healing is an ongoing journey, one that may travel with us till the end of of our journey here on earth. What we must remember that although each journey is individual, we can still lean on others for help and guidance. Some are further along and some have yet to begin (God help them) because it’s quite a shock to the human mind. Everything you thought you knew, you will now question and to be inquisitive is what part of this journey is about.

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Sex Uncategorized

The future of sex work.

Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric on Pexels.com

So imagine this, folks: the future of sex work is about to get all fancy and futuristic, like a sci-fi movie on steroids. We’re talking AI taking center stage and shaking things up, whether we’re ready or not. And hey, remember that Netflix show, Altered Carbon? It blew my mind, Let’s just say, some scenes were quite the eye-opener. If you catch my drift, high-five!

The ‘perfect women were built’.

Oh, imagine the chaos on Twitter (currently known as ‘X‘) a few years back when those fancy sex robots took over the trending topics. It was like a storm in a virtual teacup, especially among the lovely ladies. Yeah, they built these “perfect women” with silicone bodies, massive knockers, and all the bells and whistles. I mean, seriously? As a former sex worker, I couldn’t help but wonder how on earth I was supposed to compete with those “perfect” replicas. I must admit, I even got a little green-eyed thinking about it. Me, jealous of a soulless robot with huge hooters? Absolutely bonkers, right? It gave me a fleeting glimpse into the future of the industry. But hey, now that I’m out of that world, I can happily say I’m no longer in a race against a sex bot. It did make me ponder the future of the profession though. Oof, crazy times indeed!

I can see this super trendy thing becoming the norm real soon, you know? I mean, sex work is more than just the physical stuff, right? Believe it or not, some of my clients just wanted a bit of chit-chat and the company of an attractive lady. Sounds bonkers, I know, but hey, maybe they were onto something. It’s like they wanted a wholesome experience, someone to listen to their rants and worries about life. And let me tell you, that’s a side of the sex industry nobody talks about! But yeah, not every fella is just looking for a heart-to-heart, and I guess these fancy sex robots are perfect for those types of customers. Though I can’t quite imagine how a wire-based, sexually motivated robot would provide the same kind of connection, you gotta give it to ’em for trying!

So the future of sex work will continue, as always from the beginning of earth, prostitution has been around and I don’t think it will be leaving us anytime soon, yes there will be overly attractive robots that will eventually be crafted to look as human as possible and this will cater for a certain group but sex work involves conversation, intimacy, connection which I find will be hard to get from a sex robot…but i could be wrong, perhaps these mere bodys of wires will be able to hold a better conversation than the most of the general public.

Good or bad?

There is an ongoing debate regarding the implications of future developments in the field of sex robots. Some argue that these advancements may lead to a decline in the demand for human sex workers, while others contend that it could potentially address issues such as rape, abuse, and violence against sex workers. However, it is crucial to consider the ethical ramifications of using sex robots solely as a means for individuals to indulge in their darkest fantasies, as depicted in the TV series “Altered Carbon”. Even if these robots are not human, it does not absolve individuals from the responsibility of distinguishing between right and wrong. This raises concerns about the potential blurring of moral boundaries.

An intriguing article published by The Sun in 2022 explored the notion that virtual reality sex could potentially provide an experience on par with that of real-life encounters. However, such a concept raises certain concerns. It is essential not to overlook the fact that sex serves as a means of establishing a genuine connection between individuals, and it can even evoke highly spiritual experiences. Consequently, recreating these profound sensations within a virtual realm appears dubious at best. The prevalence of individuals developing emotional attachments to online personas, even without physical contact, is already widely acknowledged. As exemplified by cases such as the man who ceremoniously wed a holographic entity, individuals identifying as “fictosexual” indeed exist, describing those who experience intense and enduring feelings of love towards fictional characters. With such considerations in mind, it is not inconceivable that in the forthcoming years, the media may feature headlines that highlight instances of individuals marrying AI cyberbots, illustrating a modern manifestation of the concept of digital love.”

‘A Mark Zuckerberg brothel’

In conclusion, although such a scenario is not yet a reality and may take another twenty years (or less) to materialize, it is important to be prepared for the potential emergence of cybersex and cybersex workers in our society. We need to anticipate the possibility of encountering more news headlines about “digital sex” and the advent of a new era in digitized sexual experiences. Remarkably, there are already strip clubs in the Metaverse. It is unsettling to consider the prospect that, in the not-too-distant future, one could even visit a personal brothel managed by Mark Zuckerberg. Such a notion provokes deep concern.

Leave your thoughts below!

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Mental Health Uncategorized

6 Tips on starting your life from scratch.

Starting again…

You might question how someone can possibly be starting again at the age of 24. Twenty-four is young and definitely not an age where everything is figured out. Quite the contrary, in fact. I retired from sex work at 24 to start fresh and to get sober from cocaine, and it was the greatest achievement I have to date. Now, some might assume that retiring at 24 would mean I was financially stable, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I left the business with nothing. How I saw it was, either way, if I continued down this road of unhappiness, emptiness, and a crippling addiction, then soon enough, I would have nothing. The only way was to start again. It took me years to finally find a passion, and it took years to find myself.

Here I have some advice that might help you if you are finding yourself having to start again.
Rewire the brain.

Our brains can be rewired. I sort of like to think of the brain as some sort of AI in a physical body. We are products of our environment. I came from a dark place and had consumed myself with this. I was negative, hated myself and the world. I couldn’t find enough in myself to even figure out where to start again. Feeling and consuming a negative mindset will make everything much harder. It took me three years to start rewiring my brain, due to my stubbornness and comfort in being in a depressive state. Yes, that’s right. We can shy away from happiness as it’s unfamiliar, and the brain hates the unknown thanks to the little part of our brain that creates fear, otherwise known as the amygdala. Basically, our brains react to environments and situations, whether good or bad. We need to start by turning our negative thoughts into positive ones. With practice, this can be achieved. Before we start seeing changes in our lives, we need to first start with ourselves. We are creators of our reality. Every day you wake up and find a negative thought coming into your mind, try to tell yourself that it’s not so true. I struggled a lot with unworthiness and low self-esteem coming out of the sex industry. It took many attempts for me to tell myself, “I am beautiful and worthy,” and start to really believe it. I am NOT unworthy of greatness. It will take time, but every day, tell yourself you are worthy and keep doing this. There are plenty of affirmations online that may be more suited to you.

Accept that everything will happen when the time is right.

If you’re anything like me, you may sometimes feel impatient and become discouraged when things don’t go as planned. It’s perfectly normal to experience setbacks along our journey, and it can be challenging to start over again. I can empathize with the difficulties of finding work and having unpleasant experiences in the past. It’s during these moments when that inner voice starts reminding us of our past struggles and convinces us that it would be easier to give up and go back to where we were before. But I want to encourage you to pause and take a deep breath. Remember to focus on the present moment and what you can do today. Don’t let worries about tomorrow overwhelm you. Each day is an opportunity for growth and positive change, so let’s focus on that.

The present moment.

I completely understand the struggles of constantly worrying about things that are beyond our control. Many of us have the habit of fretting about things that may never come to pass. It’s important to remind ourselves that trying to control the uncontrollable only adds unnecessary stress to our minds. Perhaps, everything happens for a reason, both the good and the bad. Maybe all the time spent worrying is simply wasted, and what is meant to be will simply unfold. Embracing the present moment allows us to cultivate gratitude and appreciation. Whenever your mind starts to wander, gently guide it back to the present. In this journey, meditation can become your closest companion.

Gratitude.

I completely understand the feeling of longing for what could have been. It’s only natural wonder about the choices we’ve made and the paths not taken. The fear of the unknown can be overwhelming, especially when faced with financial worries. But it’s important to remember that dwelling on the past won’t bring us any closer to our goals. Instead, let’s focus on appreciating what we do have and finding the strength to move forward, embracing new opportunities that come our way. Remember, you’re not alone in these thoughts and feelings. We’re all human and we all face these moments of doubt. Together, we can navigate through them and create a brighter future.

Acceptance.

Accept that you’re allowed to have bad days. For example, as I write this, I am not feeling particularly 100% happy, and I definitely didn’t feel like writing. I gave myself little goals that I know I can accomplish. Instead of putting pressure on myself to finish my writing, I gave myself a promise to at least do 10 minutes daily. I immediately felt the pressure feel lesser and not feel so daunting. In fact, I enjoyed the process much more rather than it feeling like a chore.

Lastly…

Lastly, and most importantly, you are here… right now, reading this. I hope my words can bring some help to you. Coming from someone who, at one point, was suicidal and basically bedridden day and night, I know that change is possible. Of course, we must want change and understand our power. Once we make changes to ourselves, we begin to see changes in our reality. It’s hard to reprogram ourselves, but I’m a living example that it can be done. Remember, you are just as worthy as me or the old lady you pass on the street, among the thousands and thousands of people you see daily.

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Sex

Sex work is a trap.

After back and forth I eventually decided to quit sex work, it was lockdown and I had moved back to my parents, due to restrictions in my country it was impossible to do escorting, I switched to Only Fans as an option as the thought of no money coming in used to keep me up at night. But deep down I knew I had to make a choice, unfortunately I had mixed drinking with working and eventually found it impossible to work without having some kind of substance. I was depressed.

We are bombarded with stories in the media of how girls and young women have ‘transformed their life’ after becoming a sex worker, bills paid, luxury cars and being able to buy a first home , any millennials dream. We celebrate the good stories but forget the real side. With all these good stories, I’m worried it can portray a glamourize version of what it’s really like.  I suppose this is because we are celebrating an ultra-sexed up generation, sex work has literally been put on steroids and is not so taboo as it once was. It is now celebrated as a feminist movement, an empowerment of women. I tend to disagree coming out the other side. And while at some points I did feel empowered …meaning I felt empowered by being in control which was something I had struggled a lot with in my teens, I was left feeling bleak eventually.

The excitement and freedom became different, it didn’t feel as it once did, perhaps because I got older and just got sick of it, maybe I grew out of it as they say or maybe, eventually like most cases it started to take its toll.  Having to act happy and not show anybody how you’re really feeling was hard. Some days the money was low and those days were depressing, you start questioning things and you start to question yourself. I never felt good enough as it was. The stress of not knowing if I would make any money that week or if I had fucked myself up with drink and drugs but then, of course you have a brilliant days where everything goes well, the money is piling in and the customers are extra nice. I struggled with the ups and downs, the constant good and bad days. The bad days then would last weeks and id be lucky to get any good days in the mental state I was in.

I viewed men differently after, it took me a couple years to get out of my head that all men were cheaters and not so bad, I guess in my job I let men act on their darkest fantasies , in the end I consumed a lot of energy from others while I running out on mine. It took a while for me not to be so bitter towards the male race. I’m eventually out of that now and don’t have so much hate towards men in fact I have none. I didn’t want sex work to make me hateful or have limitations on my opinions based on my sole experiences, I didn’t want it to affect future relationships. I still had hope of happiness. I would say I’m more aware now, although I have slightly more trust issues but I’m working on that.

I felt trapped in sex work, I was worried I might be doing that job until I was 50, which would have been a lot of energy exchange and a hell of a lot of blowjobs. Minimum wage and the cost of living crisis I can totally understand why sex work has now become an option for many, I would just like to vent, sex work is not work forever, even if you think it will be, there will be a point in time where things will need to change. It becomes draining on the soul, if you like it or not. I got angry that I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore like I once did, I wasn’t ready for my wake up call. I’m very stubborn.

The transition from sex work to I guess you would say ‘a normal life’ is difficult if you are unsure of what to do, I started sex work at 18 so didn’t have a clue, 18-24 a whole lot of ups and downs. I was lucky enough to come out at an age where I was still young ‘old in sex work numbers’ but young in a considered normal society (yay). This didn’t make the transition easy but I guess easier in terms I still had time to figure things out. Of course I got badly depressed and didn’t have motivation to do anything. To start my whole life again while depressed. No thank you.

Here’s a little bit of advice …find what really makes you happy… it’s a tough one, and won’t be easy, some will know and some won’t for example me, in and out of shitty jobs after and not knowing any of my passions, I frankly lost myself and had to re find myself .I felt I kept going back and forth with what I wanted, the past was comfortable, I wasn’t exactly happy in my present but the future gave me anxiety. Eventually I found my love of writing a couple years later. Three years to be precise, better late than never as they say. I remember writing fiction stories when I was younger and loved reading and writing, by no means is this a fiction story this is my real life, but it was a memory that popped up, a happy buried memory. Of course I never remembered any of this until I started healing, before it was a blank memory.

Sex work should be treated as a side hustle, if you are thinking about entering sex work don’t treat it as something you will be doing for the rest of your life, it comes with disappointments and a lot of reality checks. I don’t believe sex work is a form of empowerment bit I guess this can depend on who you are. I’m an emotional sponge and found it difficult to deal with the bad side. I came out of it with a negative view of the world and people that walk upon it. Through therapy and a lot of self-healing I’m now doing ok. Now it did have some pros, the freedom, the money and the control. Unfortunately for me it brought up a lot of shit, sex work mixed with unhealed trauma can be a deadly mix. It can take you down a slippery slope with no hope of doing anything else in life. I struggled to see outside of sex work, I still struggle now and temptation to go back always looms at the back of my mind. The money is a huge temptation (of course) but I know I will not get sucked back into the trap. It’s easy to think like that when times get tough .It took me a while to realise that wasn’t all I am. Sex work didn’t define me anymore.

Categories
Sex

Why i became a sex worker.

Seated Nude Woman. The Alcove by The Art Institute of Chicago is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Of course I never set out to be a prostitute although, at one point I wanted to be a stripper, I was ten! Thanks to my brothers American pie DVDs, yes remember DVDS? I remember at school wondering what I would do when I was older. Are we meant to know so young? 20 years later and I’m still wondering. For me I had no idea, I’m sure I made up a conventional answer when asked by the teacher, I guess I didn’t want to be judged by my answer, even at that age. I didn’t really have many hobbies apart from playing with my brats dolls, I was pretty average at school, I’m sure other children knew the answer straight away. ‘I want to be a doctor, I want to be a race car driver or singer’ for me I just didn’t know, maybe I’m just happy to not be put in a category for the rest of my life and be judged by a job title.

I didn’t wake up and decide to be a sex worker I mean do people do that? I suppose it just happened, of course things happen, bad crowds, bad choices and bad people. I always thought I was too shy, too quiet to ever be involved in that sort of lifestyle but life is full of surprises. Like many I struggled with school and college in fact I hated going to school as a little one, I didn’t see the point of going to school to play with other children when I was pretty content playing on my own. I’ve always kept a small number of friends and that suited me pretty well even till this day.

Nude photography of Marie Jordan by Rijksmuseum is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

I found sex work lonely but in a way I enjoyed my company, I worked for myself ,I was pretty laid back meaning work sometimes didn’t start till 1pm, I’ve always been a night owl and would be up till late. The song ‘wicked and lazy’ comes to mind, I’m sure this song was wrote about me, in fact I’m sure of it. I enjoyed the money until I developed a drug habit, then money just became a necessity for addiction rather than for luxury. Eventually fast money became tiresome and un-thrilling. Once I made it, it usually would be gone in an instance and by that I mean up my nose.

Sex is great when you’re not being smothered by hairy, overweight men, unless that’s your thing. A lot of the men were nice and polite, it made up for the assholes. I guess assholes are everywhere and are not immune to certain jobs. Did I enjoy getting robbed and assaulted? No, but it was better than working in a 9–5 office, sitting in the employee lunch canteen doing small talk with people you deep down despise, especially when you’re socially awkward like me. I would pick the hairy overweight men over that anytime.

Maybe I should have come out of the industry full of confidence. Men desiring me should have made me feel more powerful but I came out with more insecurities than when I first started. I’m 27 now and in the sex world that’s pretty old. I guess you could say I’ve now retired although without much retire money to retire on, due to my own bad choices. We live and we learn. But one thing that has happened… I became strong and empowered, in a different way. I have learnt a whole new level of self-love, something that money and people could never buy or give. I have learnt about myself, accepted the past me and learnt to respect the past me too. And here I am. Still growing and thriving ready for the next chapter to begin.

Categories
Mental Health

From sex worker to healer

I am in the middle of my transformation and I’m here to tell you it does get better but first a little bit about me. I had hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor sniffing cocaine with a bottle of vodka besides me, I knew this was my rock bottom, of course this started out every week then every month and eventually lasted 5 years, every single day!  On top of that I had been a sex worker from the age of 18 and was stuck in a lifestyle in my opinion that was very low vibrational, eventually my demons caught up with me and my life became a darkness I had never felt before.

Sitting on a bathroom floor on my own I had no choice but to acknowledge my shadow self, from substance abuse, lifestyle and childhood trauma. Of course all of this lead me to my shadow self. I carried shame, a victim mind set and bags of depression tied with childhood trauma. It was only once I sat with my shadow self I could then begin my healing journey to the transformation I am going through today.

When life became shit, everything felt shit, everything seemed to go shit, let’s just say life was pretty shit. I would blame the universe, cry out for help, and make promises to the sky that I would change. I was angry to say the least. I hated the world. I had no friends, nobody to talk too accept ‘GOD’ and at this point I didn’t really believe in any religion or really dug into my spiritual side, I was pretty desperate. The darker everything got the more I wanted to give up. ‘What’s the point?’ ‘I’ve already messed up, no coming back from this’ ‘I will never be able to sort my life out’ were constant thoughts going through my head.

 Being a prostitute from the age of 18 I had no job prospects to fall back on, a raging coke addiction that almost killed me as well as unhealed trauma, I knew that this was going to be one hell of a climb to get back up again, it felt almost impossible, the lifestyle I was consuming felt easier than having to re start again I mean who wants to start again?.  To make matters worse I was stuck in an abusive relationship, someone I met at the age of 16 who was my pimp, I still haven’t healed from this relationship. I stayed in this relationship due to drugs and keeping a roof over my head as moving back to my parents at the time wasn’t the right option.

Now welcome to the year 2023 and it’s been 3 years and I’m in a totally new place, a much better one mentally, physically and emotionally although all three still needs some work, It’s only now as I am writing this I realise how far I’ve come. I try to leave my ego at the door of what I could have done differently. Do I regret it? That’s a tough one. I regret some decision but overall NO. Of course in the beginning I would have said yes, it was a very lonely, dark, and strange experience, my soul went through something called the dark night of the soul or should I say nights as mine lasted 5 years! It’s made me strong, I have gained wisdom that I hope will help with others on their journey to higher self.

Now you’re probably wondering how I done this and I am sorry to say there is no shoe fits all answer but I’m very open to giving advice that could help you on your journey. My advice would be if you are or have hit rock bottom and you will surely know just know that from there the only way is up… if you choose.

Rock bottom is a strange one, it can become a blessing in disguise although it sure as hell does not feel that way. Rock bottom is a bit of a trickster, it makes you feel that this is it. Rock bottom can either go 2 ways, down further which could result in death or suicide, which in the moment can seem like the right thing to do, or it can only propel you upwards, sort of like a spring. I imagine rock bottom handing you a ladder out of your dark place, but the ladder has steps missing, its filled with splinters and you can’t see the top it looks almost never ending. It sure doesn’t look easy, you might rather just stay where you are but there is always that part of you… ‘hope’ ‘what if?’ so we climb that ladder not knowing what is at the top or even if there is anything even worth climbing for but I promise you will find something and it won’t be at all what you imagined it will be better. Eventually the ladder has to reach somewhere that’s the whole point but don’t threaten if you sometimes take a few steps down as long as the top is your goal you will get there eventually.

Trust the process. I always come back to the yin and yang teachings. Balance. Now a beautiful day would not exist if we didn’t have dark days, in fact we wouldn’t even appreciate the brighter days without the dark. Both dark and light must be acknowledged for us to become our higher selves, both are just as important. Imagine sitting in a dark room for days and days and suddenly a ray of light shines through, imagine how that would make you feel.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! Appreciate yourself, look at all you have been through and who you are today, I’m sure your inner child would be proud, the fact your reading this is a sign you’re on the right track even if that track is filled with blocks and all sorts of road damage.

Everything bad that has happened to us is for a reason, I like to think of life as a school. We are not just learning about life itself but we are learning about ourselves, who we really are. ‘What must go up must come down’ was a particular favourite saying of mine which was used a lot back in my drug days but it can mean the same for life as well.

My overall message is to keep going, I’ve found a passion of writing and being creative which I lost, I’ve made amazing friends , I’m in an amazing relationship with someone who takes me for all my bad and good , I would have never of thought this would happen to me and it’s not luck. I had a really dark part of my life I found incredibly hard but I’m now on the road of higher frequency. Keep going.

Now do I still have bad days? Yes. Healing isn’t linear so stop comparing yourself. Some days I still feel connected to my past and thus makes perfect sense. My past is part of me just like my present and future, without past I could have been somewhere completely different. We do not seem to trust the future so we stay in the comfort of past. We may be products of our past but that does not mean it has to imprison us. Keep that in mind while travelling on your journey and welcome a new chapter.

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