Tag: REAL LIFE

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Why we should ban porn.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

Finally, something the UK government has got right. Their latest report shows Online pornography showing strangulation or suffocation is to be made illegal, as part of government plans to tackle violence against women and girls.

This is just the first step, I believe porn should be banned full stop. I’ve experienced porn addiction myself, I’ve unfortunately experienced the dark path it takes you down, seeking more depraved videos and feeling shame and disgust afterwards. The effect on men has a huge impact, I’m a woman and I’ve seen first hand how porn can taint loving relationships, men seeking more than just sex itself, pushing the limits, referring to sex as vanilla or boring if it doesn’t have any rough or borderline violent sexual aspects. It’s causing our desires to become more darker, deranged and animalistic.

We can have kinks, sure. I’ve explored many kinks over the years, tried many things, a previous escort, a young woman, vulnerable, naive, letting men pay to do what they like to me. Men didn’t want a just a blowjob, they wanted deep throat, choking and gagging. Wanting to recreate videos with me they’ve masterbated to, hiding from their wife in the next room. You see these are the type of videos porn promotes and encourages as normal, yes some may argue this is a kink, a turn on, I get that, though it shouldn’t be expected or normalised for women, women shouldn’t have to feel pressured to portray these acts, I did.

Its is a grey area, sure, a touchy subject for many, though, I don’t believe erotica should be banned or made to feel bad. Though it shouldn’t be promoted either. The UK government finally decided on something for our younger generation, especially the younger boys, if certain acts are banned, it shows it’s not the norm. Conventional sex is not a turn anymore, normal won’t make men hard, they need more, they need you to do what the women in the video did, even though she perhaps isn’t enjoying it, porn is somewhat fake, a fantastic fantasy , FYI this is reality. They need women to be degraded to be turned on, uh oh we have a serious problem.

It’s a difficult one, we don’t want to become a country where erotica becomes illegal or morally wrong, sex has already been degraded. I have a love hate relationship with sex. Sex ruined parts of my life, abuse, rape, grooming, I’ve witnessed it all, yet I don’t want to hate it, I want to share it with my loving partner, I want to still experience the connection between us through sex, though sex has been tainted for me and many women and men.

Maybe this can’t be fixed. I wish sex wasn’t what it is, because it can be beautiful, something I’ve learnt through experience, both terrible and good, throughout history sex has been used and abused. Human nature? We need to change things, and no we shouldn’t go all conservative. Balance right?!

Lust and love have a very thin line, just like love and hate.

So, should porn be banned?

I think so, although I don’t think it’s so black and white, perhaps certain porn should be. Underage role play should, violent porn should, degrading porn should. Finger to your kink. If you find women being degraded the thing that turns you on, maybe you should start looking within and wondering why the hell it does?! Do you deem this normal? Because it’s not, despite kinks. Underlying issues. Perhaps ask yourself why you hate women. Feel the shame.

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Sex

Why i became a sex worker.

Seated Nude Woman. The Alcove by The Art Institute of Chicago is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Of course I never set out to be a prostitute although, at one point I wanted to be a stripper, I was ten! Thanks to my brothers American pie DVDs, yes remember DVDS? I remember at school wondering what I would do when I was older. Are we meant to know so young? 20 years later and I’m still wondering. For me I had no idea, I’m sure I made up a conventional answer when asked by the teacher, I guess I didn’t want to be judged by my answer, even at that age. I didn’t really have many hobbies apart from playing with my brats dolls, I was pretty average at school, I’m sure other children knew the answer straight away. ‘I want to be a doctor, I want to be a race car driver or singer’ for me I just didn’t know, maybe I’m just happy to not be put in a category for the rest of my life and be judged by a job title.

I didn’t wake up and decide to be a sex worker I mean do people do that? I suppose it just happened, of course things happen, bad crowds, bad choices and bad people. I always thought I was too shy, too quiet to ever be involved in that sort of lifestyle but life is full of surprises. Like many I struggled with school and college in fact I hated going to school as a little one, I didn’t see the point of going to school to play with other children when I was pretty content playing on my own. I’ve always kept a small number of friends and that suited me pretty well even till this day.

Nude photography of Marie Jordan by Rijksmuseum is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

I found sex work lonely but in a way I enjoyed my company, I worked for myself ,I was pretty laid back meaning work sometimes didn’t start till 1pm, I’ve always been a night owl and would be up till late. The song ‘wicked and lazy’ comes to mind, I’m sure this song was wrote about me, in fact I’m sure of it. I enjoyed the money until I developed a drug habit, then money just became a necessity for addiction rather than for luxury. Eventually fast money became tiresome and un-thrilling. Once I made it, it usually would be gone in an instance and by that I mean up my nose.

Sex is great when you’re not being smothered by hairy, overweight men, unless that’s your thing. A lot of the men were nice and polite, it made up for the assholes. I guess assholes are everywhere and are not immune to certain jobs. Did I enjoy getting robbed and assaulted? No, but it was better than working in a 9–5 office, sitting in the employee lunch canteen doing small talk with people you deep down despise, especially when you’re socially awkward like me. I would pick the hairy overweight men over that anytime.

Maybe I should have come out of the industry full of confidence. Men desiring me should have made me feel more powerful but I came out with more insecurities than when I first started. I’m 27 now and in the sex world that’s pretty old. I guess you could say I’ve now retired although without much retire money to retire on, due to my own bad choices. We live and we learn. But one thing that has happened… I became strong and empowered, in a different way. I have learnt a whole new level of self-love, something that money and people could never buy or give. I have learnt about myself, accepted the past me and learnt to respect the past me too. And here I am. Still growing and thriving ready for the next chapter to begin.

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Mental Health

From sex worker to healer

I am in the middle of my transformation and I’m here to tell you it does get better but first a little bit about me. I had hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor sniffing cocaine with a bottle of vodka besides me, I knew this was my rock bottom, of course this started out every week then every month and eventually lasted 5 years, every single day!  On top of that I had been a sex worker from the age of 18 and was stuck in a lifestyle in my opinion that was very low vibrational, eventually my demons caught up with me and my life became a darkness I had never felt before.

Sitting on a bathroom floor on my own I had no choice but to acknowledge my shadow self, from substance abuse, lifestyle and childhood trauma. Of course all of this lead me to my shadow self. I carried shame, a victim mind set and bags of depression tied with childhood trauma. It was only once I sat with my shadow self I could then begin my healing journey to the transformation I am going through today.

When life became shit, everything felt shit, everything seemed to go shit, let’s just say life was pretty shit. I would blame the universe, cry out for help, and make promises to the sky that I would change. I was angry to say the least. I hated the world. I had no friends, nobody to talk too accept ‘GOD’ and at this point I didn’t really believe in any religion or really dug into my spiritual side, I was pretty desperate. The darker everything got the more I wanted to give up. ‘What’s the point?’ ‘I’ve already messed up, no coming back from this’ ‘I will never be able to sort my life out’ were constant thoughts going through my head.

 Being a prostitute from the age of 18 I had no job prospects to fall back on, a raging coke addiction that almost killed me as well as unhealed trauma, I knew that this was going to be one hell of a climb to get back up again, it felt almost impossible, the lifestyle I was consuming felt easier than having to re start again I mean who wants to start again?.  To make matters worse I was stuck in an abusive relationship, someone I met at the age of 16 who was my pimp, I still haven’t healed from this relationship. I stayed in this relationship due to drugs and keeping a roof over my head as moving back to my parents at the time wasn’t the right option.

Now welcome to the year 2023 and it’s been 3 years and I’m in a totally new place, a much better one mentally, physically and emotionally although all three still needs some work, It’s only now as I am writing this I realise how far I’ve come. I try to leave my ego at the door of what I could have done differently. Do I regret it? That’s a tough one. I regret some decision but overall NO. Of course in the beginning I would have said yes, it was a very lonely, dark, and strange experience, my soul went through something called the dark night of the soul or should I say nights as mine lasted 5 years! It’s made me strong, I have gained wisdom that I hope will help with others on their journey to higher self.

Now you’re probably wondering how I done this and I am sorry to say there is no shoe fits all answer but I’m very open to giving advice that could help you on your journey. My advice would be if you are or have hit rock bottom and you will surely know just know that from there the only way is up… if you choose.

Rock bottom is a strange one, it can become a blessing in disguise although it sure as hell does not feel that way. Rock bottom is a bit of a trickster, it makes you feel that this is it. Rock bottom can either go 2 ways, down further which could result in death or suicide, which in the moment can seem like the right thing to do, or it can only propel you upwards, sort of like a spring. I imagine rock bottom handing you a ladder out of your dark place, but the ladder has steps missing, its filled with splinters and you can’t see the top it looks almost never ending. It sure doesn’t look easy, you might rather just stay where you are but there is always that part of you… ‘hope’ ‘what if?’ so we climb that ladder not knowing what is at the top or even if there is anything even worth climbing for but I promise you will find something and it won’t be at all what you imagined it will be better. Eventually the ladder has to reach somewhere that’s the whole point but don’t threaten if you sometimes take a few steps down as long as the top is your goal you will get there eventually.

Trust the process. I always come back to the yin and yang teachings. Balance. Now a beautiful day would not exist if we didn’t have dark days, in fact we wouldn’t even appreciate the brighter days without the dark. Both dark and light must be acknowledged for us to become our higher selves, both are just as important. Imagine sitting in a dark room for days and days and suddenly a ray of light shines through, imagine how that would make you feel.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! Appreciate yourself, look at all you have been through and who you are today, I’m sure your inner child would be proud, the fact your reading this is a sign you’re on the right track even if that track is filled with blocks and all sorts of road damage.

Everything bad that has happened to us is for a reason, I like to think of life as a school. We are not just learning about life itself but we are learning about ourselves, who we really are. ‘What must go up must come down’ was a particular favourite saying of mine which was used a lot back in my drug days but it can mean the same for life as well.

My overall message is to keep going, I’ve found a passion of writing and being creative which I lost, I’ve made amazing friends , I’m in an amazing relationship with someone who takes me for all my bad and good , I would have never of thought this would happen to me and it’s not luck. I had a really dark part of my life I found incredibly hard but I’m now on the road of higher frequency. Keep going.

Now do I still have bad days? Yes. Healing isn’t linear so stop comparing yourself. Some days I still feel connected to my past and thus makes perfect sense. My past is part of me just like my present and future, without past I could have been somewhere completely different. We do not seem to trust the future so we stay in the comfort of past. We may be products of our past but that does not mean it has to imprison us. Keep that in mind while travelling on your journey and welcome a new chapter.