Tag: Mental Health

Categories
Uncategorized

Why we should ban porn.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

Finally, something the UK government has got right. Their latest report shows Online pornography showing strangulation or suffocation is to be made illegal, as part of government plans to tackle violence against women and girls.

This is just the first step, I believe porn should be banned full stop. I’ve experienced porn addiction myself, I’ve unfortunately experienced the dark path it takes you down, seeking more depraved videos and feeling shame and disgust afterwards. The effect on men has a huge impact, I’m a woman and I’ve seen first hand how porn can taint loving relationships, men seeking more than just sex itself, pushing the limits, referring to sex as vanilla or boring if it doesn’t have any rough or borderline violent sexual aspects. It’s causing our desires to become more darker, deranged and animalistic.

We can have kinks, sure. I’ve explored many kinks over the years, tried many things, a previous escort, a young woman, vulnerable, naive, letting men pay to do what they like to me. Men didn’t want a just a blowjob, they wanted deep throat, choking and gagging. Wanting to recreate videos with me they’ve masterbated to, hiding from their wife in the next room. You see these are the type of videos porn promotes and encourages as normal, yes some may argue this is a kink, a turn on, I get that, though it shouldn’t be expected or normalised for women, women shouldn’t have to feel pressured to portray these acts, I did.

Its is a grey area, sure, a touchy subject for many, though, I don’t believe erotica should be banned or made to feel bad. Though it shouldn’t be promoted either. The UK government finally decided on something for our younger generation, especially the younger boys, if certain acts are banned, it shows it’s not the norm. Conventional sex is not a turn anymore, normal won’t make men hard, they need more, they need you to do what the women in the video did, even though she perhaps isn’t enjoying it, porn is somewhat fake, a fantastic fantasy , FYI this is reality. They need women to be degraded to be turned on, uh oh we have a serious problem.

It’s a difficult one, we don’t want to become a country where erotica becomes illegal or morally wrong, sex has already been degraded. I have a love hate relationship with sex. Sex ruined parts of my life, abuse, rape, grooming, I’ve witnessed it all, yet I don’t want to hate it, I want to share it with my loving partner, I want to still experience the connection between us through sex, though sex has been tainted for me and many women and men.

Maybe this can’t be fixed. I wish sex wasn’t what it is, because it can be beautiful, something I’ve learnt through experience, both terrible and good, throughout history sex has been used and abused. Human nature? We need to change things, and no we shouldn’t go all conservative. Balance right?!

Lust and love have a very thin line, just like love and hate.

So, should porn be banned?

I think so, although I don’t think it’s so black and white, perhaps certain porn should be. Underage role play should, violent porn should, degrading porn should. Finger to your kink. If you find women being degraded the thing that turns you on, maybe you should start looking within and wondering why the hell it does?! Do you deem this normal? Because it’s not, despite kinks. Underlying issues. Perhaps ask yourself why you hate women. Feel the shame.

Categories
Sex Uncategorized

5 things I wish I knew before I became a sex worker.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

This is a a real story of what i learnt as a former sex worker, my opinions and testimonies are all real.

1: It’s not long term ,even if you would like it to be.

——————————————————————————————–

I began my journey at the age of 18, never contemplating the future. I mean does anyone have a solid plan at 18? Initially, I believed my involvement in the industry would be short-lived; however, as time passed, I discovered the difficulty of extracting oneself from the sex industry, it kept me glued in fact. The allure of quick money can be enticing, and while sex work may appear easy in hindsight, the mental toll it takes is undeniable. Admittedly, I relished in freedom—being able to choose my working hours and even taking extended breaks, Such autonomy, coupled with the generous remuneration, became a formidable trap.

After a few years, the financial compensation ceased to hold the same value for me, and my mental well-being suffered greatly. Growing older added to my concerns, and despite being in my twenties, the prospect of being a sex worker well into my forties frightened me. What had once brought excitement gradually transformed into a mundane task, with each passing year, the passion became lesser. The thought of starting anew without a concrete plan seemed daunting, further intensifying my desire for an alternative path. Exiting the industry, which had become detrimental to my mental health, proved to be one of the most challenging endeavors I had ever faced. Nonetheless, I summoned the courage to embark on a fresh start. It’s so easy to start and rather enticing but its not talked enough about how to exit or find the path out.

——————————————————————————————–

2: Energy exchange and sex attachments.

——————————————————————————————–

I am someone that is sensitive, I pick up moods, energy and feelings of other people around me, I have to be careful who I let around me as it can affect me. I didn’t quite gather this information till after. Why I felt such a negative emotion towards sex and men ,although having a healthy sex life in my now relationship and having positive men influence growing up. Sex work made me become bitter and frankly not a very nice person, the way I viewed myself, my attitude towards money and people. My opinions became hateful, I became angry at the world and the way men viewed women, alot to take on. Sex is a powerful form of love, intimacy, lust and of course new beginnings.

Now I knew we exchange energy during sex but of course now knowing the men I slept with on a personal level , I allowed myself to energy exchange with potential negative energy , I didn’t quite realise the impact it had on me and how it potentially changed who I was. I was carrying other people’s energy and vice versa. What is the meaning of energy exchange? ‘ At its core, sexual energy exchange is the exchange of energy between two or more individuals through sexual means, we are energetic bodies and during sexual intercourse , the energy of each partner mixes’… something to think about.

——————————————————————————————–

3: The grass isn’t greener and the sex isn’t always that great either.

——————————————————————————————–

You might scroll on instagram and compare yourself to people you have never met, with their designer clothes, jet set lifestyle and mouth watering food posts, I mean I get it, I still do it, In fact it pops up on my feed whether I like it or not. Although this time it doesn’t bother me. I’ve been there, and one thing I have got out of it is that money isn’t everything, I have gained money, lost it, gained and lost. It now has less value to me than before. I value me, I value how I feel , I value myself.

I knew that this wasn’t a lifestyle I chose, more that I was persuaded by multiple men trying to make money of my body, at 18 I was naive and I didn’t quite understand the repercussions that I would later endure 10 years later. I wish I did and I sometimes wish I didn’t know that that lifestyle even existed, of course we all do ,we see it in the movies, we either see a grim interpretation in films or a glamorioursed, nothing in between. It goes back to the theory of what we see online is not real and people only show only the happiest moments. Sex work is the latter it can be both good and bad, but unfortunately the bad outweighs the good…eventually. I still suffer from bad dreams and a lot of mental rage but of course this is me and my story.

Now let’s face it being a sex worker was nothing like the film ‘Pretty women’ In fact lead role Julia Roberts told how originally the film was meant to be rather grim but the script changed to become more of a rom com in the end, perhaps shedding a light that sex work is in fact glamourise and the only way out is to find a Richard Gere. Now if only that was the case, it informs us that the only way out would be to find a man, which leaves a lot of truth into how hard to it is to exist the industry. Sex can be great but is ruined by whole experience of not having connection and attraction and yet made into a transaction where pleasure is presumably low on my list during such encounters.

——————————————————————————————–

4: The money doesn’t make you happy, nor does the shoes or handbags.

——————————————————————————————–

Is It worth selling yourself for money? I guess we all sell ourselves at one point or another in life. In other words we have all probably sold our self cheap, be it any job or relationship etc . Let’s get this straight, I wasn’t a high class escort, you know the ones you might read about, although I wasn’t standing on street corners, does this diture my experience? The principles are still very much the same and while the money may vary, the repercussions are similar, the money was fast, perhaps too fast I couldn’t even appreciate the money I had until it was gone.

From the sugar daddies paying for my shopping to the constant shopping sprees and never ending takeaways, in the end it’s not worth it, the freedom that cash brings you eventually makes you end lose yourself in the process, no money is worth losing yourself and you will spend the rest of your life trying to fix that. I changed during the process. I now appreciate the little things, I still have lots of clothes, expensive makeup, shoes and all sorts tucked away at the back of my wardrobe, I will probably take them to the charity shop or sell on vinted as they bring too much memories back. So was it really worth it in the end? To be left with a black hole that can not be filled. At the time it was great, 18 and having money but the thrill started to die along with myself . I’ve come along way and i’m still going.

——————————————————————————————–

5: Lack of support can be detrimental.

——————————————————————————————–

Do I believe sex work is empowering? The answer is no, however if you had asked me this while in the industry I might have said yes. Of course I built myself a false narrative that I was indeed empowering myself, I was owning my body, I was in control over men, I was using men for my money with my body and it was assured to me that this was the power of being a women. This is rather a false narrative and something which i made myself believe even if i didn’t agree with it deep down. which I now realise, with the height of the #metoo movement and rise in young women making money on onlyfans and the push of potentially finding a sugar daddy that can pay all your rent with ‘no strings attached’ is now becoming a booming market. Will we see the ultimate damage this will cause in the next 10 years, and by that I mean trauma.

Coming out of the industry I received therapy, through my own doing, I realised without the drugs and the lifestyle I was put in a position where I couldn’t deal with my thoughts and feelings, I never thought of therapy and to be honest, I thought i could deal with things myself, I was rather stubborn like that. I found lack of support and shame to tell people what had happened to me, I felt dirty and almost embarrassed , keeping it my little secret till the grave, but all the trauma and hurt would not let me forget and bury these away, these were important and needed to be addressed.

I struggled to find any foundations or support groups that could help me address my problems, although through research and and a few phone calls I managed to find a group which helped survivors of sexual abuse. I met with other survivors , although our stories were different, we could all connect on some type of trauma. please seek help in any form of mental health.

Please email for more support: darktaboo@yahoo.co.uk

Categories
Mental Health Uncategorized

6 Tips on starting your life from scratch.

Starting again…

You might question how someone can possibly be starting again at the age of 24. Twenty-four is young and definitely not an age where everything is figured out. Quite the contrary, in fact. I retired from sex work at 24 to start fresh and to get sober from cocaine, and it was the greatest achievement I have to date. Now, some might assume that retiring at 24 would mean I was financially stable, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I left the business with nothing. How I saw it was, either way, if I continued down this road of unhappiness, emptiness, and a crippling addiction, then soon enough, I would have nothing. The only way was to start again. It took me years to finally find a passion, and it took years to find myself.

Here I have some advice that might help you if you are finding yourself having to start again.
Rewire the brain.

Our brains can be rewired. I sort of like to think of the brain as some sort of AI in a physical body. We are products of our environment. I came from a dark place and had consumed myself with this. I was negative, hated myself and the world. I couldn’t find enough in myself to even figure out where to start again. Feeling and consuming a negative mindset will make everything much harder. It took me three years to start rewiring my brain, due to my stubbornness and comfort in being in a depressive state. Yes, that’s right. We can shy away from happiness as it’s unfamiliar, and the brain hates the unknown thanks to the little part of our brain that creates fear, otherwise known as the amygdala. Basically, our brains react to environments and situations, whether good or bad. We need to start by turning our negative thoughts into positive ones. With practice, this can be achieved. Before we start seeing changes in our lives, we need to first start with ourselves. We are creators of our reality. Every day you wake up and find a negative thought coming into your mind, try to tell yourself that it’s not so true. I struggled a lot with unworthiness and low self-esteem coming out of the sex industry. It took many attempts for me to tell myself, “I am beautiful and worthy,” and start to really believe it. I am NOT unworthy of greatness. It will take time, but every day, tell yourself you are worthy and keep doing this. There are plenty of affirmations online that may be more suited to you.

Accept that everything will happen when the time is right.

If you’re anything like me, you may sometimes feel impatient and become discouraged when things don’t go as planned. It’s perfectly normal to experience setbacks along our journey, and it can be challenging to start over again. I can empathize with the difficulties of finding work and having unpleasant experiences in the past. It’s during these moments when that inner voice starts reminding us of our past struggles and convinces us that it would be easier to give up and go back to where we were before. But I want to encourage you to pause and take a deep breath. Remember to focus on the present moment and what you can do today. Don’t let worries about tomorrow overwhelm you. Each day is an opportunity for growth and positive change, so let’s focus on that.

The present moment.

I completely understand the struggles of constantly worrying about things that are beyond our control. Many of us have the habit of fretting about things that may never come to pass. It’s important to remind ourselves that trying to control the uncontrollable only adds unnecessary stress to our minds. Perhaps, everything happens for a reason, both the good and the bad. Maybe all the time spent worrying is simply wasted, and what is meant to be will simply unfold. Embracing the present moment allows us to cultivate gratitude and appreciation. Whenever your mind starts to wander, gently guide it back to the present. In this journey, meditation can become your closest companion.

Gratitude.

I completely understand the feeling of longing for what could have been. It’s only natural wonder about the choices we’ve made and the paths not taken. The fear of the unknown can be overwhelming, especially when faced with financial worries. But it’s important to remember that dwelling on the past won’t bring us any closer to our goals. Instead, let’s focus on appreciating what we do have and finding the strength to move forward, embracing new opportunities that come our way. Remember, you’re not alone in these thoughts and feelings. We’re all human and we all face these moments of doubt. Together, we can navigate through them and create a brighter future.

Acceptance.

Accept that you’re allowed to have bad days. For example, as I write this, I am not feeling particularly 100% happy, and I definitely didn’t feel like writing. I gave myself little goals that I know I can accomplish. Instead of putting pressure on myself to finish my writing, I gave myself a promise to at least do 10 minutes daily. I immediately felt the pressure feel lesser and not feel so daunting. In fact, I enjoyed the process much more rather than it feeling like a chore.

Lastly…

Lastly, and most importantly, you are here… right now, reading this. I hope my words can bring some help to you. Coming from someone who, at one point, was suicidal and basically bedridden day and night, I know that change is possible. Of course, we must want change and understand our power. Once we make changes to ourselves, we begin to see changes in our reality. It’s hard to reprogram ourselves, but I’m a living example that it can be done. Remember, you are just as worthy as me or the old lady you pass on the street, among the thousands and thousands of people you see daily.

Categories
Mental Health

Am I depressed?

Anxiety (1896) by Edvard Munch by The Art Institute of Chicago is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

‘The depression monster’

I like to call depression a monster but would that be fair? I mean it certainly feels that way. Depression is a state of mind which usually arrives after a traumatic experience but for some it can arrive without warning and decides to be part of our life. I can always tell when depression invites itself round for tea. I am snappy, tired, unmotivated and would rather stay in my bed, in fact I can be so god damn horrible that it’s easier to stay in bed for everyone else around me.

Even going to the shower or fridge seems like to take a lot of my energy out of me. For someone who loves cooking and food , frozen food is delicacy on these days. I remember years and years of being in a state of sadness and depression that it almost felt comfortable, Happiness felt peculiar. Depression became a comfort.

I always thought I would be miserable, lonely and angry. I mean how I could be anything else when the mind is clouded by dark thoughts and the world around you feels so bleak it might as well be seen through the lens of an old fashioned black and white camera. In fact it can feel like The Wizard of OZ before any colour. But the colour does arrive eventually. Just like in the film.

I was so consumed by my own darkness the light would have to find a small worm hole to pop through and plus depression became a toxic and comfortable way of living. It was something I was used to.

Happiness! What’s that? Became the question. Isn’t that what we are all after eventually… to feel loved, happy, appreciated.

Now to be honest my depression still lurks around, every so often it does come back to visit but each time it stays less and less. Before it would decide to stay for a few days or in some cases a weeks. Now I’m thankful if my depression only stays for a day. The days are getting better and I’m starting to feel like me again.

I’m starting to heal my inner child. The child that liked to go on adventures outside, that would love to paint and write, the child that liked to laugh and giggle. Now isn’t this the essence of happiness? The small things. The sunshine shining through your bedroom window or the rain patting against the windows on a stormy night, both are beautiful in different ways. The smell of fresh bedding, cuddles from pets and the sound of birds singing.  All of this seems meaningless in the bubble of depression in fact it can be ignored by the sounds of your own mind but the small things remind us of hope. The beauty around you still exists despite how you may feel.

Healing yourself is difficult, it can take months or years. Mine took what felt like forever so don’t be so hard on yourself. The old cliché of ‘it gets better’ is true. I hate to admit it being a stubborn person that would tell someone to ‘F’ off if they told me this. But it’s true. It takes time. We are not born depressed or I guess happy. I mean is that why babies scream when they are first born?  ‘Welcome to earth’ the planet of lessons and learning as I like to say. Earth is never an easy journey.

That’s why we are here. Find the beauty in the world. Life would be ultimately boring if every think went our way.  There are some beautiful souls all around you. The news only shows the bad. Smile at people as you walk by, me being shy found this hard and some people don’t smile back. But that’s ok. We are allowed to have bad days, it makes the good days seem even more amazing.

My 5 tips to helping depression

1 Exercise.

There is no cure for depression maybe except pills, it usually requires a lifestyle change. If you’re into exercise or not, then still give it a try. I started my exercise journey about a year ago and its helped me alot considering I hated exercise. Depression can make you feel low on energy, tired and unmotivated so you may be asking how the hell do I find the energy to go exercise? Well studies have been shown that 20-40 minutes of exercise 3 times a week can in fact help.

When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body.

2- Therapy.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people you know and easier to talk to strangers. Therapy helped me alot, I found talking to someone professionally helped make sense of all the feelings i was feeling. I came out of therapy understanding why I was acting in certain ways and how it was linked to previous trauma. I came out with a feeling of understanding myself and not being too harsh with myself. Therapy can be costly, through research I was able to find a free therapist, it was a long waiting list but it was worth the wait! Please email for some advice on how to find free therapists.

3- Nature and the great outdoors.

A simple but effective way to help boost positivity. I remember being told by a doctor that going for a walk will help. I left feeling somewhat amused that a walk could help my depression ( a load of nonsense I thought) . Walking and going outside is not going to cure you of depression but it certainly helps. For example my favorite place is the beach, living in the UK it will certainly be cold and wet for half the year but the sound of waves crashing against the shore and seeing the power of the waves made me feel calm. I would sit and people watch, watching the world go by, it made me feel less alone. Staying in bed can make things so much worse even though your body wants nothing more but to stay in bed. Please try and get outside even its for 10 minutes , I know how how hard this is but it gets better.

4- Eating healthy and getting enough rest.

During my deepest depression I found myself either eating nothing or binging on ‘treats’ . I don’t think I ever ate anything healthy in Ifact would eat chocolate like no tomorrow. In fact, research has shown that eating processed food is linked to depression and anxiety. Many fast food contain refined carbohydrates which increases low blood sugar, extreme low blood sugar can be the cause of panic attacks, anxiety and insomnia. Now depression can either make you sleep for long periods of time or can can keep you up all night worrying and overthinking, getting the right amount of sleep can be effective on your whole day and mood. I have encountered both ends, the days of being up all night and sleeping all day became awful, when the world is quiet and sleeping and your up all by yourself it can make you feel alone. I’ve attached a book that helped me to stop worrying and overthinking.

5- Books and research.

Books can be a great way of escaping your own reality. Sometimes I like to read Sci-fi or fantasy, it makes me feel that I’m not in my own world. I get that reading isn’t for everybody but there are some great books that have helped me through my journey. From fiction to nonfiction whatever you fancy. Here are some of my great recommendations.