healing journey – Sex,drugs and mental health.

You may or may not have heard of Bonnie blue, she’s over every social media app, unless she’s been banned from that too. She’s known for her wild, depraved and frankly disturbing sexual acts. She’s an OnlyFans model, made her name known to the world. It’s pretty much everywhere, you may have forcibly heard of her.

Though, this isn’t a blog to bash her, plenty of people are already doing that. I find what she’s doing pretty insane,wild in fact. By my own standard, I’m certainly no prude, I became a sex worker in 2014, seems ages ago now, yet it still stays with me. Very different stories. Like many I assumed she has trauma, addictions, family problems… yet the opposite exists. I found this fascinating, sure she doesn’t stand for sex workers or could relate to many, Bonnie poses a new wave. Are we watching someone ruin themselves trying to get to the top This whole situation is strange, sudden, bizarre. Like many I haven’t appreciated the media shoving it down my throat ( no pun intended). It’s been triggering in some regard, healing from my experience, questioning some aspects, questioning society!

Maybe we won’t see the consequences till later, watching a train crash in slow motion.

1000 Men and me: Bonnie Blue documentary.

Intrigued, I decided to watch the channel 4 documentary, I guess out of curiosity and wanting to understand the mind of the women behind this. Fascination being key rather than disgust, yet disgust being the main word to describe the show. Channel 4 failed to dive into the depths of this woman, although they tried, I still wonder why, I failed to really understand this woman. It was more a documentary showcasing the wild stunts we have already been made aware of, yet I’m still scratching my head wondering what the hell this is all about and why we are being made aware of this in such an already chaotic society of problems.

I used to be a sex worker, I do not judge this woman for being one. It’s a lucrative job in a collapsing society. Yet this is a new form, this is no longer about sexual liberation or feminism, this is about a new generation, GEN Z. This generation have learnt the skill of making money online, easily, quickly and for very little effort. Normal people can make money online be it dancing online or telling their story. You can earn money by views and comments. Quick fame, you might call it a 15 minutes of fame, social media is a business for most gen Z and they have learnt their skill of monetizing themself as a brand, something my shy millennial self cannot comprehend.

Bonnie Blue has been able to monetize herself in a way that has made her stand out in an already crowded and popular platform, kudos. But is she just a victim of the new generation of quick easy online money? She’s not the only one doing these vulgar acts, with other young women trying to beat the next record. It’s almost like ‘what can I do to stay to on top’. She is making up to 1 million pounds a MONTH. Maybe even more either way rumours up to 2 million a month, sex sells clearly. Thats enough for any person to retire in a few months, enough to change someone’s life. Making 1 million a month may be why she is still going at it, although how much money does one need to feel successful?

Is this a new generational norm?

Remember when sex used to be taboo, erotic and sensual? goodbye to that. With acts like Bonnie Blue openly and so honestly doing what she’s doing then what does this end up doing to a society? Do we become normalised to such profanities. Do we become numb to 1000 man gangs. Its not up to Bonnie Blue to control society but when she’s on every social media page, every headline and every Daily Mail read then she must accept some sort of responsibly, this is her brand, bad or good publicity is feeding the storm. If social media died then so would a lot of people’s careers. OnlyFans has become a crowded market, I’m not on it myself, although I did dabble in Covid, it’s a seedy competition in a highly crowded market.

What do I think of the real Bonnie Blue?

Lost.

Lost without yet realising, a sorry state of affairs. I do believe, in some twisted way Bonnie (real name Tia Bellenger) does enjoy this. I love sex too but fail to understand where the real pleasure is coming from rather than a sore vagina, we know from the documentary she uses rage bait and click bait, deep down she doesn’t really believe what she says, it’s part of the Bonnie brand.

Shes doesn’t seem emotional, she can control her emotions in a way that that seems to make her hollow and emotionless. A great trait for someone in the sex industry, a sensitive person would suffer. A very strong worth ethic and competivness that’s seen in many corporate work spaces. She’s an ex dancer so this may explain some of that competitiveness. Perhaps some even narcissistic traits. I believe Bonnie will never be happy and is always striving for the next goal, never satisfied. Bonnie is perhaps a product of a new and unhealthy environment. I don’t believe money is her motivation and rather being the best of the best is. Got to give it to her though, she’s got everyone talking and even got me typing away. How long will this last till it dries up? I’m not sure. How many more stunts can she do without getting arrested? If this was for the love of sex then there would be no need to publicise these events. She may believe she found a niche in the market, sex work is now become a business model. But it shouldn’t be, people tend to forget how sacred sex is , it’s an energy exchange between two people, or 1000 in Bonnie’s case. Bonnie has a whole team around her. The new ‘celebrity status has got even lower.

She is not the voice for sex workers, she cannot imagine what other women have gone through, she is not a victim of sexual abuse or rape. She makes bold claims about women not pleasing their men, yet hasn’t ever experienced any abuse by men. Of course this is all satire to go with the Bonnie Blue brand. I feel sorry for her in a way that she has to do this to become relevant. Another factor I noticed. she seems very level headed, which one may argue that she’s completely lost her head. I don’t believe Bonnie has any regrets right now and is actually enjoying the whole experience. Im almost certain she will have regrets later down the line. Sure she might be rich but she seemed very lonely throughout the documentary. Something I can emphasise with during my experience. Having only connections through sex became heavy on the soul, she will later witness perhaps a loneliness and longing for love in the future which might be harder to attain.

I do not believe she is possessed by demons, I do not believe she is evil! Sure if you’re religious and from the 18th century, you may have these beliefs. I believe she is a pawn to the new digital, make money online era, which I believe will collapse one day. I’ve never met her, I seem to know more about her than I intended. Some of the things she says it’s so intently outrageous, it’s funny! It’s so obvious that this is the brand, the obvious rage bait in an already digital world. I don’t HATE what she’s doing, what I hate is everyone being witnesses to these events.

Overall thoughts…

I am someone that has lived through experiences, I was once an escort, I believe women should enjoy sex without judgement, yet this goes beyond, this is watching someone with no real life experiences or trauma create trauma for themselves. I don’t think we will really see the outrage of the super digital sex era come to light till later down the line. Any women who are thinking about entering this world, be warned, it’s not for most and it’s very short lived, the glamour fades to a dense reality.

I am in the middle of my transformation and I’m here to tell you it does get better but first a little bit about me. I had hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor sniffing cocaine with a bottle of vodka besides me, I knew this was my rock bottom, of course this started out every week then every month and eventually lasted 5 years, every single day! On top of that I had been a sex worker from the age of 18 and was stuck in a lifestyle in my opinion that was very low vibrational, eventually my demons caught up with me and my life became a darkness I had never felt before.

Sitting on a bathroom floor on my own I had no choice but to acknowledge my shadow self, from substance abuse, lifestyle and childhood trauma. Of course all of this lead me to my shadow self. I carried shame, a victim mind set and bags of depression tied with childhood trauma. It was only once I sat with my shadow self I could then begin my healing journey to the transformation I am going through today.

When life became shit, everything felt shit, everything seemed to go shit, let’s just say life was pretty shit. I would blame the universe, cry out for help, and make promises to the sky that I would change. I was angry to say the least. I hated the world. I had no friends, nobody to talk too accept ‘GOD’ and at this point I didn’t really believe in any religion or really dug into my spiritual side, I was pretty desperate. The darker everything got the more I wanted to give up. ‘What’s the point?’ ‘I’ve already messed up, no coming back from this’ ‘I will never be able to sort my life out’ were constant thoughts going through my head.

Being a prostitute from the age of 18 I had no job prospects to fall back on, a raging coke addiction that almost killed me as well as unhealed trauma, I knew that this was going to be one hell of a climb to get back up again, it felt almost impossible, the lifestyle I was consuming felt easier than having to re start again I mean who wants to start again?. To make matters worse I was stuck in an abusive relationship, someone I met at the age of 16 who was my pimp, I still haven’t healed from this relationship. I stayed in this relationship due to drugs and keeping a roof over my head as moving back to my parents at the time wasn’t the right option.

Now welcome to the year 2023 and it’s been 3 years and I’m in a totally new place, a much better one mentally, physically and emotionally although all three still needs some work, It’s only now as I am writing this I realise how far I’ve come. I try to leave my ego at the door of what I could have done differently. Do I regret it? That’s a tough one. I regret some decision but overall NO. Of course in the beginning I would have said yes, it was a very lonely, dark, and strange experience, my soul went through something called the dark night of the soul or should I say nights as mine lasted 5 years! It’s made me strong, I have gained wisdom that I hope will help with others on their journey to higher self.

Now you’re probably wondering how I done this and I am sorry to say there is no shoe fits all answer but I’m very open to giving advice that could help you on your journey. My advice would be if you are or have hit rock bottom and you will surely know just know that from there the only way is up… if you choose.

Rock bottom is a strange one, it can become a blessing in disguise although it sure as hell does not feel that way. Rock bottom is a bit of a trickster, it makes you feel that this is it. Rock bottom can either go 2 ways, down further which could result in death or suicide, which in the moment can seem like the right thing to do, or it can only propel you upwards, sort of like a spring. I imagine rock bottom handing you a ladder out of your dark place, but the ladder has steps missing, its filled with splinters and you can’t see the top it looks almost never ending. It sure doesn’t look easy, you might rather just stay where you are but there is always that part of you… ‘hope’ ‘what if?’ so we climb that ladder not knowing what is at the top or even if there is anything even worth climbing for but I promise you will find something and it won’t be at all what you imagined it will be better. Eventually the ladder has to reach somewhere that’s the whole point but don’t threaten if you sometimes take a few steps down as long as the top is your goal you will get there eventually.

Trust the process. I always come back to the yin and yang teachings. Balance. Now a beautiful day would not exist if we didn’t have dark days, in fact we wouldn’t even appreciate the brighter days without the dark. Both dark and light must be acknowledged for us to become our higher selves, both are just as important. Imagine sitting in a dark room for days and days and suddenly a ray of light shines through, imagine how that would make you feel.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! Appreciate yourself, look at all you have been through and who you are today, I’m sure your inner child would be proud, the fact your reading this is a sign you’re on the right track even if that track is filled with blocks and all sorts of road damage.

Everything bad that has happened to us is for a reason, I like to think of life as a school. We are not just learning about life itself but we are learning about ourselves, who we really are. ‘What must go up must come down’ was a particular favourite saying of mine which was used a lot back in my drug days but it can mean the same for life as well.

My overall message is to keep going, I’ve found a passion of writing and being creative which I lost, I’ve made amazing friends , I’m in an amazing relationship with someone who takes me for all my bad and good , I would have never of thought this would happen to me and it’s not luck. I had a really dark part of my life I found incredibly hard but I’m now on the road of higher frequency. Keep going.

Now do I still have bad days? Yes. Healing isn’t linear so stop comparing yourself. Some days I still feel connected to my past and thus makes perfect sense. My past is part of me just like my present and future, without past I could have been somewhere completely different. We do not seem to trust the future so we stay in the comfort of past. We may be products of our past but that does not mean it has to imprison us. Keep that in mind while travelling on your journey and welcome a new chapter.