Tag: depression

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Sex Uncategorized

The Only Fans Effect.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

In the current era, a significant number of individuals are involved in platforms such as OnlyFans. This phenomenon has become increasingly prevalent, to the extent that you either know someone who has an OnlyFans or unknowingly know someone that uses it (thankfully) . It’s becoming more and more accepting and less taboo…But is this a good thing?

The year 2020 witnessed a surge in individuals joining such platforms, a trend that was accentuated by the conditions of the pandemic. While I actually personally explored involvement in OnlyFans, it is important to note that this observation is made without prejudice. Notably, these platforms have empowered women, providing them with greater independence and control over their content and earnings, in contrast to traditional forms of adult entertainment (PORN). Nonetheless, it is crucial to acknowledge the negative aspects associated with these platforms. The deeper societal implications of this trend are yet to fully materialize, and yes, we are celebrating these changes with more governments talking about legalizing prostitution. We have become a world of wokeness that has literally let women become empowered by unfortunately becoming what is dragging us slowly down: a sex object.

It is important to understand that I have a unique viewpoint on this topic and that my opinion changes daily on this subject; it’s a touchy subject that can split the room. I’m not one of these judgmental women looking from the other side of the window, judging other women. I was a sex worker from the age of 17, and I experienced all the stereotypes you associate with that world: abuse, addiction, depression, toxic men. Thankfully, I came out the other side just about. It’s giving time to reflect on my journey and heal.

I did a little digging to find women who want to talk about their stories for my blog. Of course, it’s been hard, as many women just want to forget about it, feel ashamed, and don’t even connect with the person they once were. But I’ve managed to find some stories already out there that can back me up. Unfortunately we have articles all over the place saying how glamourios it is and how much money they are making. When big headlines paint of picture of ‘Money, Independence , Luxury and fast money’ all sounds very appealing, it’s hard not be at least a little bit intrigued.

Women talk about the mental impact from being a sex worker, be it OnlyFans, porn, or escorting. From relationship troubles to suffering PTSD and nightmares, low sex drive, or a negative feeling towards sex, regardless of whether this is in loving relationships. Having problems with affection and men in general. This is all very true, it took me a while to enjoy sex in a relationship without feeling like i was constantly being used.

Now the money is the most attractive part of this job, after a while, though, it is draining. Women feel stuck in this business. These women explain how they have even felt a part missing from them when exiting the business, something I can strongly empathize with. This is something I struggled with very much and still do three years later. I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s so much easier to go back than to start again, and I know this is a big problem in the sex industry that women are not talking about! There will come a time when life must change whether we like it or not, but leaving the industry with a lot of trauma is very hard.

It’s crucial to address the difficulties and challenges faced by individuals, especially women, in the sex industry. The allure of financial stability often draws individuals into this line of work, but the emotional toll and feeling of entrapment can lead to long-lasting struggles. The sense of loss and identity crisis upon leaving this profession is a profound experience shared by many. The fear of starting over and the prevalence of unspoken trauma within the industry contribute to the cycle of returning rather than pursuing a new path.

Recognizing the need for open conversations and support mechanisms is vital in addressing the complexities of transitioning away from the sex industry. Women’s voices and their stories need to be heard to bring about meaningful change. The journey of leaving this profession is hard, By acknowledging and addressing these challenges, we can work towards creating a more supportive environment for individuals seeking to move beyond their past experiences in the sex industry.”

One woman explained how it made her feel ’empty, lost, and numb to go from individual to individual, making no real emotional contact’. Of course, we live in a ‘Bad Bitch’ era where we have made ourselves believe we don’t need men, love, or compassion. We all need these things and are only lying to ourselves. Without these things the feminine energy cannot be nurtured and we become a cold, man hating world of women. Of course men do need to change too, and with knowledge this can also happen, i will be talking about this very soon.

I think while more women are starting to tell their stories, we shouldn’t just wait for the dismissal and impact of what is yet to come, I hope my blog can help you see a different side to the industry.

I would love to hear your opinion and lets get talking!

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Mental Health Uncategorized

6 Tips on starting your life from scratch.

Starting again…

You might question how someone can possibly be starting again at the age of 24. Twenty-four is young and definitely not an age where everything is figured out. Quite the contrary, in fact. I retired from sex work at 24 to start fresh and to get sober from cocaine, and it was the greatest achievement I have to date. Now, some might assume that retiring at 24 would mean I was financially stable, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I left the business with nothing. How I saw it was, either way, if I continued down this road of unhappiness, emptiness, and a crippling addiction, then soon enough, I would have nothing. The only way was to start again. It took me years to finally find a passion, and it took years to find myself.

Here I have some advice that might help you if you are finding yourself having to start again.
Rewire the brain.

Our brains can be rewired. I sort of like to think of the brain as some sort of AI in a physical body. We are products of our environment. I came from a dark place and had consumed myself with this. I was negative, hated myself and the world. I couldn’t find enough in myself to even figure out where to start again. Feeling and consuming a negative mindset will make everything much harder. It took me three years to start rewiring my brain, due to my stubbornness and comfort in being in a depressive state. Yes, that’s right. We can shy away from happiness as it’s unfamiliar, and the brain hates the unknown thanks to the little part of our brain that creates fear, otherwise known as the amygdala. Basically, our brains react to environments and situations, whether good or bad. We need to start by turning our negative thoughts into positive ones. With practice, this can be achieved. Before we start seeing changes in our lives, we need to first start with ourselves. We are creators of our reality. Every day you wake up and find a negative thought coming into your mind, try to tell yourself that it’s not so true. I struggled a lot with unworthiness and low self-esteem coming out of the sex industry. It took many attempts for me to tell myself, “I am beautiful and worthy,” and start to really believe it. I am NOT unworthy of greatness. It will take time, but every day, tell yourself you are worthy and keep doing this. There are plenty of affirmations online that may be more suited to you.

Accept that everything will happen when the time is right.

If you’re anything like me, you may sometimes feel impatient and become discouraged when things don’t go as planned. It’s perfectly normal to experience setbacks along our journey, and it can be challenging to start over again. I can empathize with the difficulties of finding work and having unpleasant experiences in the past. It’s during these moments when that inner voice starts reminding us of our past struggles and convinces us that it would be easier to give up and go back to where we were before. But I want to encourage you to pause and take a deep breath. Remember to focus on the present moment and what you can do today. Don’t let worries about tomorrow overwhelm you. Each day is an opportunity for growth and positive change, so let’s focus on that.

The present moment.

I completely understand the struggles of constantly worrying about things that are beyond our control. Many of us have the habit of fretting about things that may never come to pass. It’s important to remind ourselves that trying to control the uncontrollable only adds unnecessary stress to our minds. Perhaps, everything happens for a reason, both the good and the bad. Maybe all the time spent worrying is simply wasted, and what is meant to be will simply unfold. Embracing the present moment allows us to cultivate gratitude and appreciation. Whenever your mind starts to wander, gently guide it back to the present. In this journey, meditation can become your closest companion.

Gratitude.

I completely understand the feeling of longing for what could have been. It’s only natural wonder about the choices we’ve made and the paths not taken. The fear of the unknown can be overwhelming, especially when faced with financial worries. But it’s important to remember that dwelling on the past won’t bring us any closer to our goals. Instead, let’s focus on appreciating what we do have and finding the strength to move forward, embracing new opportunities that come our way. Remember, you’re not alone in these thoughts and feelings. We’re all human and we all face these moments of doubt. Together, we can navigate through them and create a brighter future.

Acceptance.

Accept that you’re allowed to have bad days. For example, as I write this, I am not feeling particularly 100% happy, and I definitely didn’t feel like writing. I gave myself little goals that I know I can accomplish. Instead of putting pressure on myself to finish my writing, I gave myself a promise to at least do 10 minutes daily. I immediately felt the pressure feel lesser and not feel so daunting. In fact, I enjoyed the process much more rather than it feeling like a chore.

Lastly…

Lastly, and most importantly, you are here… right now, reading this. I hope my words can bring some help to you. Coming from someone who, at one point, was suicidal and basically bedridden day and night, I know that change is possible. Of course, we must want change and understand our power. Once we make changes to ourselves, we begin to see changes in our reality. It’s hard to reprogram ourselves, but I’m a living example that it can be done. Remember, you are just as worthy as me or the old lady you pass on the street, among the thousands and thousands of people you see daily.

Categories
Sex

Sex work is a trap.

After back and forth I eventually decided to quit sex work, it was lockdown and I had moved back to my parents, due to restrictions in my country it was impossible to do escorting, I switched to Only Fans as an option as the thought of no money coming in used to keep me up at night. But deep down I knew I had to make a choice, unfortunately I had mixed drinking with working and eventually found it impossible to work without having some kind of substance. I was depressed.

We are bombarded with stories in the media of how girls and young women have ‘transformed their life’ after becoming a sex worker, bills paid, luxury cars and being able to buy a first home , any millennials dream. We celebrate the good stories but forget the real side. With all these good stories, I’m worried it can portray a glamourize version of what it’s really like.  I suppose this is because we are celebrating an ultra-sexed up generation, sex work has literally been put on steroids and is not so taboo as it once was. It is now celebrated as a feminist movement, an empowerment of women. I tend to disagree coming out the other side. And while at some points I did feel empowered …meaning I felt empowered by being in control which was something I had struggled a lot with in my teens, I was left feeling bleak eventually.

The excitement and freedom became different, it didn’t feel as it once did, perhaps because I got older and just got sick of it, maybe I grew out of it as they say or maybe, eventually like most cases it started to take its toll.  Having to act happy and not show anybody how you’re really feeling was hard. Some days the money was low and those days were depressing, you start questioning things and you start to question yourself. I never felt good enough as it was. The stress of not knowing if I would make any money that week or if I had fucked myself up with drink and drugs but then, of course you have a brilliant days where everything goes well, the money is piling in and the customers are extra nice. I struggled with the ups and downs, the constant good and bad days. The bad days then would last weeks and id be lucky to get any good days in the mental state I was in.

I viewed men differently after, it took me a couple years to get out of my head that all men were cheaters and not so bad, I guess in my job I let men act on their darkest fantasies , in the end I consumed a lot of energy from others while I running out on mine. It took a while for me not to be so bitter towards the male race. I’m eventually out of that now and don’t have so much hate towards men in fact I have none. I didn’t want sex work to make me hateful or have limitations on my opinions based on my sole experiences, I didn’t want it to affect future relationships. I still had hope of happiness. I would say I’m more aware now, although I have slightly more trust issues but I’m working on that.

I felt trapped in sex work, I was worried I might be doing that job until I was 50, which would have been a lot of energy exchange and a hell of a lot of blowjobs. Minimum wage and the cost of living crisis I can totally understand why sex work has now become an option for many, I would just like to vent, sex work is not work forever, even if you think it will be, there will be a point in time where things will need to change. It becomes draining on the soul, if you like it or not. I got angry that I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore like I once did, I wasn’t ready for my wake up call. I’m very stubborn.

The transition from sex work to I guess you would say ‘a normal life’ is difficult if you are unsure of what to do, I started sex work at 18 so didn’t have a clue, 18-24 a whole lot of ups and downs. I was lucky enough to come out at an age where I was still young ‘old in sex work numbers’ but young in a considered normal society (yay). This didn’t make the transition easy but I guess easier in terms I still had time to figure things out. Of course I got badly depressed and didn’t have motivation to do anything. To start my whole life again while depressed. No thank you.

Here’s a little bit of advice …find what really makes you happy… it’s a tough one, and won’t be easy, some will know and some won’t for example me, in and out of shitty jobs after and not knowing any of my passions, I frankly lost myself and had to re find myself .I felt I kept going back and forth with what I wanted, the past was comfortable, I wasn’t exactly happy in my present but the future gave me anxiety. Eventually I found my love of writing a couple years later. Three years to be precise, better late than never as they say. I remember writing fiction stories when I was younger and loved reading and writing, by no means is this a fiction story this is my real life, but it was a memory that popped up, a happy buried memory. Of course I never remembered any of this until I started healing, before it was a blank memory.

Sex work should be treated as a side hustle, if you are thinking about entering sex work don’t treat it as something you will be doing for the rest of your life, it comes with disappointments and a lot of reality checks. I don’t believe sex work is a form of empowerment bit I guess this can depend on who you are. I’m an emotional sponge and found it difficult to deal with the bad side. I came out of it with a negative view of the world and people that walk upon it. Through therapy and a lot of self-healing I’m now doing ok. Now it did have some pros, the freedom, the money and the control. Unfortunately for me it brought up a lot of shit, sex work mixed with unhealed trauma can be a deadly mix. It can take you down a slippery slope with no hope of doing anything else in life. I struggled to see outside of sex work, I still struggle now and temptation to go back always looms at the back of my mind. The money is a huge temptation (of course) but I know I will not get sucked back into the trap. It’s easy to think like that when times get tough .It took me a while to realise that wasn’t all I am. Sex work didn’t define me anymore.

Categories
Mental Health

From sex worker to healer

I am in the middle of my transformation and I’m here to tell you it does get better but first a little bit about me. I had hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor sniffing cocaine with a bottle of vodka besides me, I knew this was my rock bottom, of course this started out every week then every month and eventually lasted 5 years, every single day!  On top of that I had been a sex worker from the age of 18 and was stuck in a lifestyle in my opinion that was very low vibrational, eventually my demons caught up with me and my life became a darkness I had never felt before.

Sitting on a bathroom floor on my own I had no choice but to acknowledge my shadow self, from substance abuse, lifestyle and childhood trauma. Of course all of this lead me to my shadow self. I carried shame, a victim mind set and bags of depression tied with childhood trauma. It was only once I sat with my shadow self I could then begin my healing journey to the transformation I am going through today.

When life became shit, everything felt shit, everything seemed to go shit, let’s just say life was pretty shit. I would blame the universe, cry out for help, and make promises to the sky that I would change. I was angry to say the least. I hated the world. I had no friends, nobody to talk too accept ‘GOD’ and at this point I didn’t really believe in any religion or really dug into my spiritual side, I was pretty desperate. The darker everything got the more I wanted to give up. ‘What’s the point?’ ‘I’ve already messed up, no coming back from this’ ‘I will never be able to sort my life out’ were constant thoughts going through my head.

 Being a prostitute from the age of 18 I had no job prospects to fall back on, a raging coke addiction that almost killed me as well as unhealed trauma, I knew that this was going to be one hell of a climb to get back up again, it felt almost impossible, the lifestyle I was consuming felt easier than having to re start again I mean who wants to start again?.  To make matters worse I was stuck in an abusive relationship, someone I met at the age of 16 who was my pimp, I still haven’t healed from this relationship. I stayed in this relationship due to drugs and keeping a roof over my head as moving back to my parents at the time wasn’t the right option.

Now welcome to the year 2023 and it’s been 3 years and I’m in a totally new place, a much better one mentally, physically and emotionally although all three still needs some work, It’s only now as I am writing this I realise how far I’ve come. I try to leave my ego at the door of what I could have done differently. Do I regret it? That’s a tough one. I regret some decision but overall NO. Of course in the beginning I would have said yes, it was a very lonely, dark, and strange experience, my soul went through something called the dark night of the soul or should I say nights as mine lasted 5 years! It’s made me strong, I have gained wisdom that I hope will help with others on their journey to higher self.

Now you’re probably wondering how I done this and I am sorry to say there is no shoe fits all answer but I’m very open to giving advice that could help you on your journey. My advice would be if you are or have hit rock bottom and you will surely know just know that from there the only way is up… if you choose.

Rock bottom is a strange one, it can become a blessing in disguise although it sure as hell does not feel that way. Rock bottom is a bit of a trickster, it makes you feel that this is it. Rock bottom can either go 2 ways, down further which could result in death or suicide, which in the moment can seem like the right thing to do, or it can only propel you upwards, sort of like a spring. I imagine rock bottom handing you a ladder out of your dark place, but the ladder has steps missing, its filled with splinters and you can’t see the top it looks almost never ending. It sure doesn’t look easy, you might rather just stay where you are but there is always that part of you… ‘hope’ ‘what if?’ so we climb that ladder not knowing what is at the top or even if there is anything even worth climbing for but I promise you will find something and it won’t be at all what you imagined it will be better. Eventually the ladder has to reach somewhere that’s the whole point but don’t threaten if you sometimes take a few steps down as long as the top is your goal you will get there eventually.

Trust the process. I always come back to the yin and yang teachings. Balance. Now a beautiful day would not exist if we didn’t have dark days, in fact we wouldn’t even appreciate the brighter days without the dark. Both dark and light must be acknowledged for us to become our higher selves, both are just as important. Imagine sitting in a dark room for days and days and suddenly a ray of light shines through, imagine how that would make you feel.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! Appreciate yourself, look at all you have been through and who you are today, I’m sure your inner child would be proud, the fact your reading this is a sign you’re on the right track even if that track is filled with blocks and all sorts of road damage.

Everything bad that has happened to us is for a reason, I like to think of life as a school. We are not just learning about life itself but we are learning about ourselves, who we really are. ‘What must go up must come down’ was a particular favourite saying of mine which was used a lot back in my drug days but it can mean the same for life as well.

My overall message is to keep going, I’ve found a passion of writing and being creative which I lost, I’ve made amazing friends , I’m in an amazing relationship with someone who takes me for all my bad and good , I would have never of thought this would happen to me and it’s not luck. I had a really dark part of my life I found incredibly hard but I’m now on the road of higher frequency. Keep going.

Now do I still have bad days? Yes. Healing isn’t linear so stop comparing yourself. Some days I still feel connected to my past and thus makes perfect sense. My past is part of me just like my present and future, without past I could have been somewhere completely different. We do not seem to trust the future so we stay in the comfort of past. We may be products of our past but that does not mean it has to imprison us. Keep that in mind while travelling on your journey and welcome a new chapter.

Categories
Mental Health

Am I depressed?

Anxiety (1896) by Edvard Munch by The Art Institute of Chicago is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

‘The depression monster’

I like to call depression a monster but would that be fair? I mean it certainly feels that way. Depression is a state of mind which usually arrives after a traumatic experience but for some it can arrive without warning and decides to be part of our life. I can always tell when depression invites itself round for tea. I am snappy, tired, unmotivated and would rather stay in my bed, in fact I can be so god damn horrible that it’s easier to stay in bed for everyone else around me.

Even going to the shower or fridge seems like to take a lot of my energy out of me. For someone who loves cooking and food , frozen food is delicacy on these days. I remember years and years of being in a state of sadness and depression that it almost felt comfortable, Happiness felt peculiar. Depression became a comfort.

I always thought I would be miserable, lonely and angry. I mean how I could be anything else when the mind is clouded by dark thoughts and the world around you feels so bleak it might as well be seen through the lens of an old fashioned black and white camera. In fact it can feel like The Wizard of OZ before any colour. But the colour does arrive eventually. Just like in the film.

I was so consumed by my own darkness the light would have to find a small worm hole to pop through and plus depression became a toxic and comfortable way of living. It was something I was used to.

Happiness! What’s that? Became the question. Isn’t that what we are all after eventually… to feel loved, happy, appreciated.

Now to be honest my depression still lurks around, every so often it does come back to visit but each time it stays less and less. Before it would decide to stay for a few days or in some cases a weeks. Now I’m thankful if my depression only stays for a day. The days are getting better and I’m starting to feel like me again.

I’m starting to heal my inner child. The child that liked to go on adventures outside, that would love to paint and write, the child that liked to laugh and giggle. Now isn’t this the essence of happiness? The small things. The sunshine shining through your bedroom window or the rain patting against the windows on a stormy night, both are beautiful in different ways. The smell of fresh bedding, cuddles from pets and the sound of birds singing.  All of this seems meaningless in the bubble of depression in fact it can be ignored by the sounds of your own mind but the small things remind us of hope. The beauty around you still exists despite how you may feel.

Healing yourself is difficult, it can take months or years. Mine took what felt like forever so don’t be so hard on yourself. The old cliché of ‘it gets better’ is true. I hate to admit it being a stubborn person that would tell someone to ‘F’ off if they told me this. But it’s true. It takes time. We are not born depressed or I guess happy. I mean is that why babies scream when they are first born?  ‘Welcome to earth’ the planet of lessons and learning as I like to say. Earth is never an easy journey.

That’s why we are here. Find the beauty in the world. Life would be ultimately boring if every think went our way.  There are some beautiful souls all around you. The news only shows the bad. Smile at people as you walk by, me being shy found this hard and some people don’t smile back. But that’s ok. We are allowed to have bad days, it makes the good days seem even more amazing.

My 5 tips to helping depression

1 Exercise.

There is no cure for depression maybe except pills, it usually requires a lifestyle change. If you’re into exercise or not, then still give it a try. I started my exercise journey about a year ago and its helped me alot considering I hated exercise. Depression can make you feel low on energy, tired and unmotivated so you may be asking how the hell do I find the energy to go exercise? Well studies have been shown that 20-40 minutes of exercise 3 times a week can in fact help.

When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body.

2- Therapy.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people you know and easier to talk to strangers. Therapy helped me alot, I found talking to someone professionally helped make sense of all the feelings i was feeling. I came out of therapy understanding why I was acting in certain ways and how it was linked to previous trauma. I came out with a feeling of understanding myself and not being too harsh with myself. Therapy can be costly, through research I was able to find a free therapist, it was a long waiting list but it was worth the wait! Please email for some advice on how to find free therapists.

3- Nature and the great outdoors.

A simple but effective way to help boost positivity. I remember being told by a doctor that going for a walk will help. I left feeling somewhat amused that a walk could help my depression ( a load of nonsense I thought) . Walking and going outside is not going to cure you of depression but it certainly helps. For example my favorite place is the beach, living in the UK it will certainly be cold and wet for half the year but the sound of waves crashing against the shore and seeing the power of the waves made me feel calm. I would sit and people watch, watching the world go by, it made me feel less alone. Staying in bed can make things so much worse even though your body wants nothing more but to stay in bed. Please try and get outside even its for 10 minutes , I know how how hard this is but it gets better.

4- Eating healthy and getting enough rest.

During my deepest depression I found myself either eating nothing or binging on ‘treats’ . I don’t think I ever ate anything healthy in Ifact would eat chocolate like no tomorrow. In fact, research has shown that eating processed food is linked to depression and anxiety. Many fast food contain refined carbohydrates which increases low blood sugar, extreme low blood sugar can be the cause of panic attacks, anxiety and insomnia. Now depression can either make you sleep for long periods of time or can can keep you up all night worrying and overthinking, getting the right amount of sleep can be effective on your whole day and mood. I have encountered both ends, the days of being up all night and sleeping all day became awful, when the world is quiet and sleeping and your up all by yourself it can make you feel alone. I’ve attached a book that helped me to stop worrying and overthinking.

5- Books and research.

Books can be a great way of escaping your own reality. Sometimes I like to read Sci-fi or fantasy, it makes me feel that I’m not in my own world. I get that reading isn’t for everybody but there are some great books that have helped me through my journey. From fiction to nonfiction whatever you fancy. Here are some of my great recommendations.

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Home Sex

Life after sex work.

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