Tag: addiction

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Why we should ban porn.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

Finally, something the UK government has got right. Their latest report shows Online pornography showing strangulation or suffocation is to be made illegal, as part of government plans to tackle violence against women and girls.

This is just the first step, I believe porn should be banned full stop. I’ve experienced porn addiction myself, I’ve unfortunately experienced the dark path it takes you down, seeking more depraved videos and feeling shame and disgust afterwards. The effect on men has a huge impact, I’m a woman and I’ve seen first hand how porn can taint loving relationships, men seeking more than just sex itself, pushing the limits, referring to sex as vanilla or boring if it doesn’t have any rough or borderline violent sexual aspects. It’s causing our desires to become more darker, deranged and animalistic.

We can have kinks, sure. I’ve explored many kinks over the years, tried many things, a previous escort, a young woman, vulnerable, naive, letting men pay to do what they like to me. Men didn’t want a just a blowjob, they wanted deep throat, choking and gagging. Wanting to recreate videos with me they’ve masterbated to, hiding from their wife in the next room. You see these are the type of videos porn promotes and encourages as normal, yes some may argue this is a kink, a turn on, I get that, though it shouldn’t be expected or normalised for women, women shouldn’t have to feel pressured to portray these acts, I did.

Its is a grey area, sure, a touchy subject for many, though, I don’t believe erotica should be banned or made to feel bad. Though it shouldn’t be promoted either. The UK government finally decided on something for our younger generation, especially the younger boys, if certain acts are banned, it shows it’s not the norm. Conventional sex is not a turn anymore, normal won’t make men hard, they need more, they need you to do what the women in the video did, even though she perhaps isn’t enjoying it, porn is somewhat fake, a fantastic fantasy , FYI this is reality. They need women to be degraded to be turned on, uh oh we have a serious problem.

It’s a difficult one, we don’t want to become a country where erotica becomes illegal or morally wrong, sex has already been degraded. I have a love hate relationship with sex. Sex ruined parts of my life, abuse, rape, grooming, I’ve witnessed it all, yet I don’t want to hate it, I want to share it with my loving partner, I want to still experience the connection between us through sex, though sex has been tainted for me and many women and men.

Maybe this can’t be fixed. I wish sex wasn’t what it is, because it can be beautiful, something I’ve learnt through experience, both terrible and good, throughout history sex has been used and abused. Human nature? We need to change things, and no we shouldn’t go all conservative. Balance right?!

Lust and love have a very thin line, just like love and hate.

So, should porn be banned?

I think so, although I don’t think it’s so black and white, perhaps certain porn should be. Underage role play should, violent porn should, degrading porn should. Finger to your kink. If you find women being degraded the thing that turns you on, maybe you should start looking within and wondering why the hell it does?! Do you deem this normal? Because it’s not, despite kinks. Underlying issues. Perhaps ask yourself why you hate women. Feel the shame.

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Sex Uncategorized

The Only Fans Effect.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

In the current era, a significant number of individuals are involved in platforms such as OnlyFans. This phenomenon has become increasingly prevalent, to the extent that you either know someone who has an OnlyFans or unknowingly know someone that uses it (thankfully) . It’s becoming more and more accepting and less taboo…But is this a good thing?

The year 2020 witnessed a surge in individuals joining such platforms, a trend that was accentuated by the conditions of the pandemic. While I actually personally explored involvement in OnlyFans, it is important to note that this observation is made without prejudice. Notably, these platforms have empowered women, providing them with greater independence and control over their content and earnings, in contrast to traditional forms of adult entertainment (PORN). Nonetheless, it is crucial to acknowledge the negative aspects associated with these platforms. The deeper societal implications of this trend are yet to fully materialize, and yes, we are celebrating these changes with more governments talking about legalizing prostitution. We have become a world of wokeness that has literally let women become empowered by unfortunately becoming what is dragging us slowly down: a sex object.

It is important to understand that I have a unique viewpoint on this topic and that my opinion changes daily on this subject; it’s a touchy subject that can split the room. I’m not one of these judgmental women looking from the other side of the window, judging other women. I was a sex worker from the age of 17, and I experienced all the stereotypes you associate with that world: abuse, addiction, depression, toxic men. Thankfully, I came out the other side just about. It’s giving time to reflect on my journey and heal.

I did a little digging to find women who want to talk about their stories for my blog. Of course, it’s been hard, as many women just want to forget about it, feel ashamed, and don’t even connect with the person they once were. But I’ve managed to find some stories already out there that can back me up. Unfortunately we have articles all over the place saying how glamourios it is and how much money they are making. When big headlines paint of picture of ‘Money, Independence , Luxury and fast money’ all sounds very appealing, it’s hard not be at least a little bit intrigued.

Women talk about the mental impact from being a sex worker, be it OnlyFans, porn, or escorting. From relationship troubles to suffering PTSD and nightmares, low sex drive, or a negative feeling towards sex, regardless of whether this is in loving relationships. Having problems with affection and men in general. This is all very true, it took me a while to enjoy sex in a relationship without feeling like i was constantly being used.

Now the money is the most attractive part of this job, after a while, though, it is draining. Women feel stuck in this business. These women explain how they have even felt a part missing from them when exiting the business, something I can strongly empathize with. This is something I struggled with very much and still do three years later. I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s so much easier to go back than to start again, and I know this is a big problem in the sex industry that women are not talking about! There will come a time when life must change whether we like it or not, but leaving the industry with a lot of trauma is very hard.

It’s crucial to address the difficulties and challenges faced by individuals, especially women, in the sex industry. The allure of financial stability often draws individuals into this line of work, but the emotional toll and feeling of entrapment can lead to long-lasting struggles. The sense of loss and identity crisis upon leaving this profession is a profound experience shared by many. The fear of starting over and the prevalence of unspoken trauma within the industry contribute to the cycle of returning rather than pursuing a new path.

Recognizing the need for open conversations and support mechanisms is vital in addressing the complexities of transitioning away from the sex industry. Women’s voices and their stories need to be heard to bring about meaningful change. The journey of leaving this profession is hard, By acknowledging and addressing these challenges, we can work towards creating a more supportive environment for individuals seeking to move beyond their past experiences in the sex industry.”

One woman explained how it made her feel ’empty, lost, and numb to go from individual to individual, making no real emotional contact’. Of course, we live in a ‘Bad Bitch’ era where we have made ourselves believe we don’t need men, love, or compassion. We all need these things and are only lying to ourselves. Without these things the feminine energy cannot be nurtured and we become a cold, man hating world of women. Of course men do need to change too, and with knowledge this can also happen, i will be talking about this very soon.

I think while more women are starting to tell their stories, we shouldn’t just wait for the dismissal and impact of what is yet to come, I hope my blog can help you see a different side to the industry.

I would love to hear your opinion and lets get talking!

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Sex Uncategorized

5 things I wish I knew before I became a sex worker.

Photo by Kamaji Ogino on Pexels.com

This is a a real story of what i learnt as a former sex worker, my opinions and testimonies are all real.

1: It’s not long term ,even if you would like it to be.

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I began my journey at the age of 18, never contemplating the future. I mean does anyone have a solid plan at 18? Initially, I believed my involvement in the industry would be short-lived; however, as time passed, I discovered the difficulty of extracting oneself from the sex industry, it kept me glued in fact. The allure of quick money can be enticing, and while sex work may appear easy in hindsight, the mental toll it takes is undeniable. Admittedly, I relished in freedom—being able to choose my working hours and even taking extended breaks, Such autonomy, coupled with the generous remuneration, became a formidable trap.

After a few years, the financial compensation ceased to hold the same value for me, and my mental well-being suffered greatly. Growing older added to my concerns, and despite being in my twenties, the prospect of being a sex worker well into my forties frightened me. What had once brought excitement gradually transformed into a mundane task, with each passing year, the passion became lesser. The thought of starting anew without a concrete plan seemed daunting, further intensifying my desire for an alternative path. Exiting the industry, which had become detrimental to my mental health, proved to be one of the most challenging endeavors I had ever faced. Nonetheless, I summoned the courage to embark on a fresh start. It’s so easy to start and rather enticing but its not talked enough about how to exit or find the path out.

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2: Energy exchange and sex attachments.

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I am someone that is sensitive, I pick up moods, energy and feelings of other people around me, I have to be careful who I let around me as it can affect me. I didn’t quite gather this information till after. Why I felt such a negative emotion towards sex and men ,although having a healthy sex life in my now relationship and having positive men influence growing up. Sex work made me become bitter and frankly not a very nice person, the way I viewed myself, my attitude towards money and people. My opinions became hateful, I became angry at the world and the way men viewed women, alot to take on. Sex is a powerful form of love, intimacy, lust and of course new beginnings.

Now I knew we exchange energy during sex but of course now knowing the men I slept with on a personal level , I allowed myself to energy exchange with potential negative energy , I didn’t quite realise the impact it had on me and how it potentially changed who I was. I was carrying other people’s energy and vice versa. What is the meaning of energy exchange? ‘ At its core, sexual energy exchange is the exchange of energy between two or more individuals through sexual means, we are energetic bodies and during sexual intercourse , the energy of each partner mixes’… something to think about.

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3: The grass isn’t greener and the sex isn’t always that great either.

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You might scroll on instagram and compare yourself to people you have never met, with their designer clothes, jet set lifestyle and mouth watering food posts, I mean I get it, I still do it, In fact it pops up on my feed whether I like it or not. Although this time it doesn’t bother me. I’ve been there, and one thing I have got out of it is that money isn’t everything, I have gained money, lost it, gained and lost. It now has less value to me than before. I value me, I value how I feel , I value myself.

I knew that this wasn’t a lifestyle I chose, more that I was persuaded by multiple men trying to make money of my body, at 18 I was naive and I didn’t quite understand the repercussions that I would later endure 10 years later. I wish I did and I sometimes wish I didn’t know that that lifestyle even existed, of course we all do ,we see it in the movies, we either see a grim interpretation in films or a glamorioursed, nothing in between. It goes back to the theory of what we see online is not real and people only show only the happiest moments. Sex work is the latter it can be both good and bad, but unfortunately the bad outweighs the good…eventually. I still suffer from bad dreams and a lot of mental rage but of course this is me and my story.

Now let’s face it being a sex worker was nothing like the film ‘Pretty women’ In fact lead role Julia Roberts told how originally the film was meant to be rather grim but the script changed to become more of a rom com in the end, perhaps shedding a light that sex work is in fact glamourise and the only way out is to find a Richard Gere. Now if only that was the case, it informs us that the only way out would be to find a man, which leaves a lot of truth into how hard to it is to exist the industry. Sex can be great but is ruined by whole experience of not having connection and attraction and yet made into a transaction where pleasure is presumably low on my list during such encounters.

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4: The money doesn’t make you happy, nor does the shoes or handbags.

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Is It worth selling yourself for money? I guess we all sell ourselves at one point or another in life. In other words we have all probably sold our self cheap, be it any job or relationship etc . Let’s get this straight, I wasn’t a high class escort, you know the ones you might read about, although I wasn’t standing on street corners, does this diture my experience? The principles are still very much the same and while the money may vary, the repercussions are similar, the money was fast, perhaps too fast I couldn’t even appreciate the money I had until it was gone.

From the sugar daddies paying for my shopping to the constant shopping sprees and never ending takeaways, in the end it’s not worth it, the freedom that cash brings you eventually makes you end lose yourself in the process, no money is worth losing yourself and you will spend the rest of your life trying to fix that. I changed during the process. I now appreciate the little things, I still have lots of clothes, expensive makeup, shoes and all sorts tucked away at the back of my wardrobe, I will probably take them to the charity shop or sell on vinted as they bring too much memories back. So was it really worth it in the end? To be left with a black hole that can not be filled. At the time it was great, 18 and having money but the thrill started to die along with myself . I’ve come along way and i’m still going.

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5: Lack of support can be detrimental.

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Do I believe sex work is empowering? The answer is no, however if you had asked me this while in the industry I might have said yes. Of course I built myself a false narrative that I was indeed empowering myself, I was owning my body, I was in control over men, I was using men for my money with my body and it was assured to me that this was the power of being a women. This is rather a false narrative and something which i made myself believe even if i didn’t agree with it deep down. which I now realise, with the height of the #metoo movement and rise in young women making money on onlyfans and the push of potentially finding a sugar daddy that can pay all your rent with ‘no strings attached’ is now becoming a booming market. Will we see the ultimate damage this will cause in the next 10 years, and by that I mean trauma.

Coming out of the industry I received therapy, through my own doing, I realised without the drugs and the lifestyle I was put in a position where I couldn’t deal with my thoughts and feelings, I never thought of therapy and to be honest, I thought i could deal with things myself, I was rather stubborn like that. I found lack of support and shame to tell people what had happened to me, I felt dirty and almost embarrassed , keeping it my little secret till the grave, but all the trauma and hurt would not let me forget and bury these away, these were important and needed to be addressed.

I struggled to find any foundations or support groups that could help me address my problems, although through research and and a few phone calls I managed to find a group which helped survivors of sexual abuse. I met with other survivors , although our stories were different, we could all connect on some type of trauma. please seek help in any form of mental health.

Please email for more support: darktaboo@yahoo.co.uk

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Mental Health Uncategorized

6 Tips on starting your life from scratch.

Starting again…

You might question how someone can possibly be starting again at the age of 24. Twenty-four is young and definitely not an age where everything is figured out. Quite the contrary, in fact. I retired from sex work at 24 to start fresh and to get sober from cocaine, and it was the greatest achievement I have to date. Now, some might assume that retiring at 24 would mean I was financially stable, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I left the business with nothing. How I saw it was, either way, if I continued down this road of unhappiness, emptiness, and a crippling addiction, then soon enough, I would have nothing. The only way was to start again. It took me years to finally find a passion, and it took years to find myself.

Here I have some advice that might help you if you are finding yourself having to start again.
Rewire the brain.

Our brains can be rewired. I sort of like to think of the brain as some sort of AI in a physical body. We are products of our environment. I came from a dark place and had consumed myself with this. I was negative, hated myself and the world. I couldn’t find enough in myself to even figure out where to start again. Feeling and consuming a negative mindset will make everything much harder. It took me three years to start rewiring my brain, due to my stubbornness and comfort in being in a depressive state. Yes, that’s right. We can shy away from happiness as it’s unfamiliar, and the brain hates the unknown thanks to the little part of our brain that creates fear, otherwise known as the amygdala. Basically, our brains react to environments and situations, whether good or bad. We need to start by turning our negative thoughts into positive ones. With practice, this can be achieved. Before we start seeing changes in our lives, we need to first start with ourselves. We are creators of our reality. Every day you wake up and find a negative thought coming into your mind, try to tell yourself that it’s not so true. I struggled a lot with unworthiness and low self-esteem coming out of the sex industry. It took many attempts for me to tell myself, “I am beautiful and worthy,” and start to really believe it. I am NOT unworthy of greatness. It will take time, but every day, tell yourself you are worthy and keep doing this. There are plenty of affirmations online that may be more suited to you.

Accept that everything will happen when the time is right.

If you’re anything like me, you may sometimes feel impatient and become discouraged when things don’t go as planned. It’s perfectly normal to experience setbacks along our journey, and it can be challenging to start over again. I can empathize with the difficulties of finding work and having unpleasant experiences in the past. It’s during these moments when that inner voice starts reminding us of our past struggles and convinces us that it would be easier to give up and go back to where we were before. But I want to encourage you to pause and take a deep breath. Remember to focus on the present moment and what you can do today. Don’t let worries about tomorrow overwhelm you. Each day is an opportunity for growth and positive change, so let’s focus on that.

The present moment.

I completely understand the struggles of constantly worrying about things that are beyond our control. Many of us have the habit of fretting about things that may never come to pass. It’s important to remind ourselves that trying to control the uncontrollable only adds unnecessary stress to our minds. Perhaps, everything happens for a reason, both the good and the bad. Maybe all the time spent worrying is simply wasted, and what is meant to be will simply unfold. Embracing the present moment allows us to cultivate gratitude and appreciation. Whenever your mind starts to wander, gently guide it back to the present. In this journey, meditation can become your closest companion.

Gratitude.

I completely understand the feeling of longing for what could have been. It’s only natural wonder about the choices we’ve made and the paths not taken. The fear of the unknown can be overwhelming, especially when faced with financial worries. But it’s important to remember that dwelling on the past won’t bring us any closer to our goals. Instead, let’s focus on appreciating what we do have and finding the strength to move forward, embracing new opportunities that come our way. Remember, you’re not alone in these thoughts and feelings. We’re all human and we all face these moments of doubt. Together, we can navigate through them and create a brighter future.

Acceptance.

Accept that you’re allowed to have bad days. For example, as I write this, I am not feeling particularly 100% happy, and I definitely didn’t feel like writing. I gave myself little goals that I know I can accomplish. Instead of putting pressure on myself to finish my writing, I gave myself a promise to at least do 10 minutes daily. I immediately felt the pressure feel lesser and not feel so daunting. In fact, I enjoyed the process much more rather than it feeling like a chore.

Lastly…

Lastly, and most importantly, you are here… right now, reading this. I hope my words can bring some help to you. Coming from someone who, at one point, was suicidal and basically bedridden day and night, I know that change is possible. Of course, we must want change and understand our power. Once we make changes to ourselves, we begin to see changes in our reality. It’s hard to reprogram ourselves, but I’m a living example that it can be done. Remember, you are just as worthy as me or the old lady you pass on the street, among the thousands and thousands of people you see daily.

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Sex

Sex work is a trap.

After back and forth I eventually decided to quit sex work, it was lockdown and I had moved back to my parents, due to restrictions in my country it was impossible to do escorting, I switched to Only Fans as an option as the thought of no money coming in used to keep me up at night. But deep down I knew I had to make a choice, unfortunately I had mixed drinking with working and eventually found it impossible to work without having some kind of substance. I was depressed.

We are bombarded with stories in the media of how girls and young women have ‘transformed their life’ after becoming a sex worker, bills paid, luxury cars and being able to buy a first home , any millennials dream. We celebrate the good stories but forget the real side. With all these good stories, I’m worried it can portray a glamourize version of what it’s really like.  I suppose this is because we are celebrating an ultra-sexed up generation, sex work has literally been put on steroids and is not so taboo as it once was. It is now celebrated as a feminist movement, an empowerment of women. I tend to disagree coming out the other side. And while at some points I did feel empowered …meaning I felt empowered by being in control which was something I had struggled a lot with in my teens, I was left feeling bleak eventually.

The excitement and freedom became different, it didn’t feel as it once did, perhaps because I got older and just got sick of it, maybe I grew out of it as they say or maybe, eventually like most cases it started to take its toll.  Having to act happy and not show anybody how you’re really feeling was hard. Some days the money was low and those days were depressing, you start questioning things and you start to question yourself. I never felt good enough as it was. The stress of not knowing if I would make any money that week or if I had fucked myself up with drink and drugs but then, of course you have a brilliant days where everything goes well, the money is piling in and the customers are extra nice. I struggled with the ups and downs, the constant good and bad days. The bad days then would last weeks and id be lucky to get any good days in the mental state I was in.

I viewed men differently after, it took me a couple years to get out of my head that all men were cheaters and not so bad, I guess in my job I let men act on their darkest fantasies , in the end I consumed a lot of energy from others while I running out on mine. It took a while for me not to be so bitter towards the male race. I’m eventually out of that now and don’t have so much hate towards men in fact I have none. I didn’t want sex work to make me hateful or have limitations on my opinions based on my sole experiences, I didn’t want it to affect future relationships. I still had hope of happiness. I would say I’m more aware now, although I have slightly more trust issues but I’m working on that.

I felt trapped in sex work, I was worried I might be doing that job until I was 50, which would have been a lot of energy exchange and a hell of a lot of blowjobs. Minimum wage and the cost of living crisis I can totally understand why sex work has now become an option for many, I would just like to vent, sex work is not work forever, even if you think it will be, there will be a point in time where things will need to change. It becomes draining on the soul, if you like it or not. I got angry that I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore like I once did, I wasn’t ready for my wake up call. I’m very stubborn.

The transition from sex work to I guess you would say ‘a normal life’ is difficult if you are unsure of what to do, I started sex work at 18 so didn’t have a clue, 18-24 a whole lot of ups and downs. I was lucky enough to come out at an age where I was still young ‘old in sex work numbers’ but young in a considered normal society (yay). This didn’t make the transition easy but I guess easier in terms I still had time to figure things out. Of course I got badly depressed and didn’t have motivation to do anything. To start my whole life again while depressed. No thank you.

Here’s a little bit of advice …find what really makes you happy… it’s a tough one, and won’t be easy, some will know and some won’t for example me, in and out of shitty jobs after and not knowing any of my passions, I frankly lost myself and had to re find myself .I felt I kept going back and forth with what I wanted, the past was comfortable, I wasn’t exactly happy in my present but the future gave me anxiety. Eventually I found my love of writing a couple years later. Three years to be precise, better late than never as they say. I remember writing fiction stories when I was younger and loved reading and writing, by no means is this a fiction story this is my real life, but it was a memory that popped up, a happy buried memory. Of course I never remembered any of this until I started healing, before it was a blank memory.

Sex work should be treated as a side hustle, if you are thinking about entering sex work don’t treat it as something you will be doing for the rest of your life, it comes with disappointments and a lot of reality checks. I don’t believe sex work is a form of empowerment bit I guess this can depend on who you are. I’m an emotional sponge and found it difficult to deal with the bad side. I came out of it with a negative view of the world and people that walk upon it. Through therapy and a lot of self-healing I’m now doing ok. Now it did have some pros, the freedom, the money and the control. Unfortunately for me it brought up a lot of shit, sex work mixed with unhealed trauma can be a deadly mix. It can take you down a slippery slope with no hope of doing anything else in life. I struggled to see outside of sex work, I still struggle now and temptation to go back always looms at the back of my mind. The money is a huge temptation (of course) but I know I will not get sucked back into the trap. It’s easy to think like that when times get tough .It took me a while to realise that wasn’t all I am. Sex work didn’t define me anymore.

Categories
Sex

Why i became a sex worker.

Seated Nude Woman. The Alcove by The Art Institute of Chicago is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Of course I never set out to be a prostitute although, at one point I wanted to be a stripper, I was ten! Thanks to my brothers American pie DVDs, yes remember DVDS? I remember at school wondering what I would do when I was older. Are we meant to know so young? 20 years later and I’m still wondering. For me I had no idea, I’m sure I made up a conventional answer when asked by the teacher, I guess I didn’t want to be judged by my answer, even at that age. I didn’t really have many hobbies apart from playing with my brats dolls, I was pretty average at school, I’m sure other children knew the answer straight away. ‘I want to be a doctor, I want to be a race car driver or singer’ for me I just didn’t know, maybe I’m just happy to not be put in a category for the rest of my life and be judged by a job title.

I didn’t wake up and decide to be a sex worker I mean do people do that? I suppose it just happened, of course things happen, bad crowds, bad choices and bad people. I always thought I was too shy, too quiet to ever be involved in that sort of lifestyle but life is full of surprises. Like many I struggled with school and college in fact I hated going to school as a little one, I didn’t see the point of going to school to play with other children when I was pretty content playing on my own. I’ve always kept a small number of friends and that suited me pretty well even till this day.

Nude photography of Marie Jordan by Rijksmuseum is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

I found sex work lonely but in a way I enjoyed my company, I worked for myself ,I was pretty laid back meaning work sometimes didn’t start till 1pm, I’ve always been a night owl and would be up till late. The song ‘wicked and lazy’ comes to mind, I’m sure this song was wrote about me, in fact I’m sure of it. I enjoyed the money until I developed a drug habit, then money just became a necessity for addiction rather than for luxury. Eventually fast money became tiresome and un-thrilling. Once I made it, it usually would be gone in an instance and by that I mean up my nose.

Sex is great when you’re not being smothered by hairy, overweight men, unless that’s your thing. A lot of the men were nice and polite, it made up for the assholes. I guess assholes are everywhere and are not immune to certain jobs. Did I enjoy getting robbed and assaulted? No, but it was better than working in a 9–5 office, sitting in the employee lunch canteen doing small talk with people you deep down despise, especially when you’re socially awkward like me. I would pick the hairy overweight men over that anytime.

Maybe I should have come out of the industry full of confidence. Men desiring me should have made me feel more powerful but I came out with more insecurities than when I first started. I’m 27 now and in the sex world that’s pretty old. I guess you could say I’ve now retired although without much retire money to retire on, due to my own bad choices. We live and we learn. But one thing that has happened… I became strong and empowered, in a different way. I have learnt a whole new level of self-love, something that money and people could never buy or give. I have learnt about myself, accepted the past me and learnt to respect the past me too. And here I am. Still growing and thriving ready for the next chapter to begin.

Categories
Mental Health

From sex worker to healer

I am in the middle of my transformation and I’m here to tell you it does get better but first a little bit about me. I had hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor sniffing cocaine with a bottle of vodka besides me, I knew this was my rock bottom, of course this started out every week then every month and eventually lasted 5 years, every single day!  On top of that I had been a sex worker from the age of 18 and was stuck in a lifestyle in my opinion that was very low vibrational, eventually my demons caught up with me and my life became a darkness I had never felt before.

Sitting on a bathroom floor on my own I had no choice but to acknowledge my shadow self, from substance abuse, lifestyle and childhood trauma. Of course all of this lead me to my shadow self. I carried shame, a victim mind set and bags of depression tied with childhood trauma. It was only once I sat with my shadow self I could then begin my healing journey to the transformation I am going through today.

When life became shit, everything felt shit, everything seemed to go shit, let’s just say life was pretty shit. I would blame the universe, cry out for help, and make promises to the sky that I would change. I was angry to say the least. I hated the world. I had no friends, nobody to talk too accept ‘GOD’ and at this point I didn’t really believe in any religion or really dug into my spiritual side, I was pretty desperate. The darker everything got the more I wanted to give up. ‘What’s the point?’ ‘I’ve already messed up, no coming back from this’ ‘I will never be able to sort my life out’ were constant thoughts going through my head.

 Being a prostitute from the age of 18 I had no job prospects to fall back on, a raging coke addiction that almost killed me as well as unhealed trauma, I knew that this was going to be one hell of a climb to get back up again, it felt almost impossible, the lifestyle I was consuming felt easier than having to re start again I mean who wants to start again?.  To make matters worse I was stuck in an abusive relationship, someone I met at the age of 16 who was my pimp, I still haven’t healed from this relationship. I stayed in this relationship due to drugs and keeping a roof over my head as moving back to my parents at the time wasn’t the right option.

Now welcome to the year 2023 and it’s been 3 years and I’m in a totally new place, a much better one mentally, physically and emotionally although all three still needs some work, It’s only now as I am writing this I realise how far I’ve come. I try to leave my ego at the door of what I could have done differently. Do I regret it? That’s a tough one. I regret some decision but overall NO. Of course in the beginning I would have said yes, it was a very lonely, dark, and strange experience, my soul went through something called the dark night of the soul or should I say nights as mine lasted 5 years! It’s made me strong, I have gained wisdom that I hope will help with others on their journey to higher self.

Now you’re probably wondering how I done this and I am sorry to say there is no shoe fits all answer but I’m very open to giving advice that could help you on your journey. My advice would be if you are or have hit rock bottom and you will surely know just know that from there the only way is up… if you choose.

Rock bottom is a strange one, it can become a blessing in disguise although it sure as hell does not feel that way. Rock bottom is a bit of a trickster, it makes you feel that this is it. Rock bottom can either go 2 ways, down further which could result in death or suicide, which in the moment can seem like the right thing to do, or it can only propel you upwards, sort of like a spring. I imagine rock bottom handing you a ladder out of your dark place, but the ladder has steps missing, its filled with splinters and you can’t see the top it looks almost never ending. It sure doesn’t look easy, you might rather just stay where you are but there is always that part of you… ‘hope’ ‘what if?’ so we climb that ladder not knowing what is at the top or even if there is anything even worth climbing for but I promise you will find something and it won’t be at all what you imagined it will be better. Eventually the ladder has to reach somewhere that’s the whole point but don’t threaten if you sometimes take a few steps down as long as the top is your goal you will get there eventually.

Trust the process. I always come back to the yin and yang teachings. Balance. Now a beautiful day would not exist if we didn’t have dark days, in fact we wouldn’t even appreciate the brighter days without the dark. Both dark and light must be acknowledged for us to become our higher selves, both are just as important. Imagine sitting in a dark room for days and days and suddenly a ray of light shines through, imagine how that would make you feel.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! Appreciate yourself, look at all you have been through and who you are today, I’m sure your inner child would be proud, the fact your reading this is a sign you’re on the right track even if that track is filled with blocks and all sorts of road damage.

Everything bad that has happened to us is for a reason, I like to think of life as a school. We are not just learning about life itself but we are learning about ourselves, who we really are. ‘What must go up must come down’ was a particular favourite saying of mine which was used a lot back in my drug days but it can mean the same for life as well.

My overall message is to keep going, I’ve found a passion of writing and being creative which I lost, I’ve made amazing friends , I’m in an amazing relationship with someone who takes me for all my bad and good , I would have never of thought this would happen to me and it’s not luck. I had a really dark part of my life I found incredibly hard but I’m now on the road of higher frequency. Keep going.

Now do I still have bad days? Yes. Healing isn’t linear so stop comparing yourself. Some days I still feel connected to my past and thus makes perfect sense. My past is part of me just like my present and future, without past I could have been somewhere completely different. We do not seem to trust the future so we stay in the comfort of past. We may be products of our past but that does not mean it has to imprison us. Keep that in mind while travelling on your journey and welcome a new chapter.