Category: Mental Health

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The spiritual journey.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com
spiritual awakening
spiritual awakening

I’ve always believed in the unknown. In fact, I was fascinated by it from a young age. One propelling moment that really stood out for me was seeing the ghost of a woman, whom I’m guessing was from the Victorian era judging by her attire. I was 12 years old on a school trip in Wales, UK. Coming from a rather spiritual family that has had many unexplained experiences, I feel that having all this knowledge has helped me in my adult years when I started my own spiritual awakening.

I think we all have our own version of our spiritual journey, and while it is a very lonely and isolated feeling, there are others who have experienced it too. This is why I would love to share my story to help others. I am still on my own journey; it’s been hard and still is. Perhaps that’s why I feel the need to write.

The path to discovery.

The path of self-discovery is not an easy one. It often requires us to confront our inner demons and face the parts of ourselves that we may fear or have long ignored. This process can be painful and challenging, but it is necessary for growth and transformation. When we find ourselves in the depths of darkness, it can feel overwhelming. The weight of our struggles and mistakes can seem insurmountable. But it is in these moments that we must summon the strength to reach out for help and seek guidance.

Asking the universe for assistance is not an admission of weakness, but rather a brave act of surrendering to the greater forces at play. It is an acknowledgment that we cannot overcome our challenges alone and a willingness to receive the support and guidance that the universe has to offer.

In my personal experience, I have found that the universe often responds to our sincere requests for guidance. It may come in the form of synchronicities, signs, or the presence of individuals who can offer insight and support. However, it is up to us to remain open and receptive to these messages, even in our darkest moments.

Through this process of seeking the light, we can begin to unravel the layers of our darkness and uncover the hidden truths within ourselves. We may discover underlying wounds that need healing, patterns that need to be broken, or beliefs that no longer serve us. It is a journey of self-reflection, self-compassion, and self-empowerment.

Ultimately, finding the light amidst the darkness is not a one-time event. It is an ongoing process that requires diligence, patience, and self-love. As we continue to navigate life’s challenges, we may find ourselves facing new layers of darkness, but we can take comfort in knowing that the light remains within us, ready to guide us on our path. So, I encourage you to embrace your journey, embrace your darkness, and seek the light that resides within you. The universe is always ready to offer its guidance if you are willing to ask and listen.

The chaos of 2023.

I understand that 2023 has brought about significant changes, and it’s evident that everyone can sense this shift. It fills me with a sense of gratitude to witness such a conscious transformation alongside others. This realization reaffirms the authenticity of our individual journeys and fosters a shared belief that we are never alone in this process.

The world is on a low level vibration due to the conditioning of the material world. I call this the ego. I very much fight my ego every day. Is this why us spiritual beings are going through this awakening? And when I say us, I assume you must be on this journey too since this message has reached you, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this! But as I was saying, the world is going through a shift, a spiritual battle. Many are lost, and if you are awakened, congratulations! You have woken up to see how messed up this reality and world is. Now, mixing the world’s problems and your own is not what I recommend. Heal yourself because positive energy is what helps the world, one by one as they say. But let’s be honest, it’s not easy. I have dark days still. It’s difficult, but the good days always come back eventually. Balance.

The Yin and Yang.

People may ask why must God or the Universe allow such suffering ? Why must people do horrible things and be bad to others? Why is the world so corrupt ? well… have you ever heard of yin and yang? . The very balance and essence of the world ,how all must be balanced. What is Good without Bad? would we even appreciate good if we didn’t have Bad?

I believe we come into this world to experience being human and ultimately to become higher versions of ourselves. Being human, to me, is to feel emotions – both the good and the bad. Sometimes the only way to truly feel like we are living and not just existing is to embrace and experience all our emotions, even the most unsettling ones. These emotions can make us feel the most alive. We all wish life were “easy” and that we could be happy all the time. However, I can guarantee that we would not feel fulfilled. While happiness, excitement, and joy are wonderful emotions, we must also value unhappiness and sadness. These emotions are still valid and, although not pleasant, they make us feel alive. They make us human. The human experience is about feeling that emotion. Earth is not easy, sort of like a school where we are all in the same boat just at different tides.

Back to my first paragraph, I have had many strange, unexplained situations unfold from premonitions that cannot be explained by science. I have seen ‘ghosts’ and felt energy, although still skeptical of some ghost programs on TV. We have all had a moment perhaps when we feel a vibe of someone we are not sure about. That little voice called intuition, that in most cases is always right.

ARE WE living or just existing?

Me and my friend were driving back from work the other week when my friend turned to me and said, “I feel like I’m just existing and not living”… Strange, as I had the very same thought earlier that week. The days go quicker and it sometimes feels like Groundhog Day. I like routine, but sometimes I need excitement, I need emotion, I need a big plot like in the movies. I’m lacking true excitement and happiness. I dwell only on a few emotions: sadness and negativity. Although from my previous point, these are valid and important emotions, it’s clear that my emotional balance is very much unbalanced. When we feel these emotions, although obvious they are very much subtle signs of how we view ourselves and how we feel about our lives. Nobody can be happy 24/7 and i mean nobody, we are affected by outside sources , the news, even the moon can affect us, hence the full moon affect and lets be honest, life is just not plain sailing. If you woke up feeling sad ask yourself firstly , if it’s any out sources that could have potentially changed your mood, let’s be honest Tik Tok has a very powerful energy of doing that as well as other social medias. I won’t sit here and pretend the first thing i do before i get up is check my phone, even before brushing my teeth. A bad habit i’m working on, i notice how that can have a major impact on the rest of my day.

In conclusion, the journey to self discovery and spiritual healing is an ongoing journey, one that may travel with us till the end of of our journey here on earth. What we must remember that although each journey is individual, we can still lean on others for help and guidance. Some are further along and some have yet to begin (God help them) because it’s quite a shock to the human mind. Everything you thought you knew, you will now question and to be inquisitive is what part of this journey is about.

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Mental Health Uncategorized

6 Tips on starting your life from scratch.

Starting again…

You might question how someone can possibly be starting again at the age of 24. Twenty-four is young and definitely not an age where everything is figured out. Quite the contrary, in fact. I retired from sex work at 24 to start fresh and to get sober from cocaine, and it was the greatest achievement I have to date. Now, some might assume that retiring at 24 would mean I was financially stable, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I left the business with nothing. How I saw it was, either way, if I continued down this road of unhappiness, emptiness, and a crippling addiction, then soon enough, I would have nothing. The only way was to start again. It took me years to finally find a passion, and it took years to find myself.

Here I have some advice that might help you if you are finding yourself having to start again.
Rewire the brain.

Our brains can be rewired. I sort of like to think of the brain as some sort of AI in a physical body. We are products of our environment. I came from a dark place and had consumed myself with this. I was negative, hated myself and the world. I couldn’t find enough in myself to even figure out where to start again. Feeling and consuming a negative mindset will make everything much harder. It took me three years to start rewiring my brain, due to my stubbornness and comfort in being in a depressive state. Yes, that’s right. We can shy away from happiness as it’s unfamiliar, and the brain hates the unknown thanks to the little part of our brain that creates fear, otherwise known as the amygdala. Basically, our brains react to environments and situations, whether good or bad. We need to start by turning our negative thoughts into positive ones. With practice, this can be achieved. Before we start seeing changes in our lives, we need to first start with ourselves. We are creators of our reality. Every day you wake up and find a negative thought coming into your mind, try to tell yourself that it’s not so true. I struggled a lot with unworthiness and low self-esteem coming out of the sex industry. It took many attempts for me to tell myself, “I am beautiful and worthy,” and start to really believe it. I am NOT unworthy of greatness. It will take time, but every day, tell yourself you are worthy and keep doing this. There are plenty of affirmations online that may be more suited to you.

Accept that everything will happen when the time is right.

If you’re anything like me, you may sometimes feel impatient and become discouraged when things don’t go as planned. It’s perfectly normal to experience setbacks along our journey, and it can be challenging to start over again. I can empathize with the difficulties of finding work and having unpleasant experiences in the past. It’s during these moments when that inner voice starts reminding us of our past struggles and convinces us that it would be easier to give up and go back to where we were before. But I want to encourage you to pause and take a deep breath. Remember to focus on the present moment and what you can do today. Don’t let worries about tomorrow overwhelm you. Each day is an opportunity for growth and positive change, so let’s focus on that.

The present moment.

I completely understand the struggles of constantly worrying about things that are beyond our control. Many of us have the habit of fretting about things that may never come to pass. It’s important to remind ourselves that trying to control the uncontrollable only adds unnecessary stress to our minds. Perhaps, everything happens for a reason, both the good and the bad. Maybe all the time spent worrying is simply wasted, and what is meant to be will simply unfold. Embracing the present moment allows us to cultivate gratitude and appreciation. Whenever your mind starts to wander, gently guide it back to the present. In this journey, meditation can become your closest companion.

Gratitude.

I completely understand the feeling of longing for what could have been. It’s only natural wonder about the choices we’ve made and the paths not taken. The fear of the unknown can be overwhelming, especially when faced with financial worries. But it’s important to remember that dwelling on the past won’t bring us any closer to our goals. Instead, let’s focus on appreciating what we do have and finding the strength to move forward, embracing new opportunities that come our way. Remember, you’re not alone in these thoughts and feelings. We’re all human and we all face these moments of doubt. Together, we can navigate through them and create a brighter future.

Acceptance.

Accept that you’re allowed to have bad days. For example, as I write this, I am not feeling particularly 100% happy, and I definitely didn’t feel like writing. I gave myself little goals that I know I can accomplish. Instead of putting pressure on myself to finish my writing, I gave myself a promise to at least do 10 minutes daily. I immediately felt the pressure feel lesser and not feel so daunting. In fact, I enjoyed the process much more rather than it feeling like a chore.

Lastly…

Lastly, and most importantly, you are here… right now, reading this. I hope my words can bring some help to you. Coming from someone who, at one point, was suicidal and basically bedridden day and night, I know that change is possible. Of course, we must want change and understand our power. Once we make changes to ourselves, we begin to see changes in our reality. It’s hard to reprogram ourselves, but I’m a living example that it can be done. Remember, you are just as worthy as me or the old lady you pass on the street, among the thousands and thousands of people you see daily.

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Mental Health

From sex worker to healer

I am in the middle of my transformation and I’m here to tell you it does get better but first a little bit about me. I had hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor sniffing cocaine with a bottle of vodka besides me, I knew this was my rock bottom, of course this started out every week then every month and eventually lasted 5 years, every single day!  On top of that I had been a sex worker from the age of 18 and was stuck in a lifestyle in my opinion that was very low vibrational, eventually my demons caught up with me and my life became a darkness I had never felt before.

Sitting on a bathroom floor on my own I had no choice but to acknowledge my shadow self, from substance abuse, lifestyle and childhood trauma. Of course all of this lead me to my shadow self. I carried shame, a victim mind set and bags of depression tied with childhood trauma. It was only once I sat with my shadow self I could then begin my healing journey to the transformation I am going through today.

When life became shit, everything felt shit, everything seemed to go shit, let’s just say life was pretty shit. I would blame the universe, cry out for help, and make promises to the sky that I would change. I was angry to say the least. I hated the world. I had no friends, nobody to talk too accept ‘GOD’ and at this point I didn’t really believe in any religion or really dug into my spiritual side, I was pretty desperate. The darker everything got the more I wanted to give up. ‘What’s the point?’ ‘I’ve already messed up, no coming back from this’ ‘I will never be able to sort my life out’ were constant thoughts going through my head.

 Being a prostitute from the age of 18 I had no job prospects to fall back on, a raging coke addiction that almost killed me as well as unhealed trauma, I knew that this was going to be one hell of a climb to get back up again, it felt almost impossible, the lifestyle I was consuming felt easier than having to re start again I mean who wants to start again?.  To make matters worse I was stuck in an abusive relationship, someone I met at the age of 16 who was my pimp, I still haven’t healed from this relationship. I stayed in this relationship due to drugs and keeping a roof over my head as moving back to my parents at the time wasn’t the right option.

Now welcome to the year 2023 and it’s been 3 years and I’m in a totally new place, a much better one mentally, physically and emotionally although all three still needs some work, It’s only now as I am writing this I realise how far I’ve come. I try to leave my ego at the door of what I could have done differently. Do I regret it? That’s a tough one. I regret some decision but overall NO. Of course in the beginning I would have said yes, it was a very lonely, dark, and strange experience, my soul went through something called the dark night of the soul or should I say nights as mine lasted 5 years! It’s made me strong, I have gained wisdom that I hope will help with others on their journey to higher self.

Now you’re probably wondering how I done this and I am sorry to say there is no shoe fits all answer but I’m very open to giving advice that could help you on your journey. My advice would be if you are or have hit rock bottom and you will surely know just know that from there the only way is up… if you choose.

Rock bottom is a strange one, it can become a blessing in disguise although it sure as hell does not feel that way. Rock bottom is a bit of a trickster, it makes you feel that this is it. Rock bottom can either go 2 ways, down further which could result in death or suicide, which in the moment can seem like the right thing to do, or it can only propel you upwards, sort of like a spring. I imagine rock bottom handing you a ladder out of your dark place, but the ladder has steps missing, its filled with splinters and you can’t see the top it looks almost never ending. It sure doesn’t look easy, you might rather just stay where you are but there is always that part of you… ‘hope’ ‘what if?’ so we climb that ladder not knowing what is at the top or even if there is anything even worth climbing for but I promise you will find something and it won’t be at all what you imagined it will be better. Eventually the ladder has to reach somewhere that’s the whole point but don’t threaten if you sometimes take a few steps down as long as the top is your goal you will get there eventually.

Trust the process. I always come back to the yin and yang teachings. Balance. Now a beautiful day would not exist if we didn’t have dark days, in fact we wouldn’t even appreciate the brighter days without the dark. Both dark and light must be acknowledged for us to become our higher selves, both are just as important. Imagine sitting in a dark room for days and days and suddenly a ray of light shines through, imagine how that would make you feel.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! Appreciate yourself, look at all you have been through and who you are today, I’m sure your inner child would be proud, the fact your reading this is a sign you’re on the right track even if that track is filled with blocks and all sorts of road damage.

Everything bad that has happened to us is for a reason, I like to think of life as a school. We are not just learning about life itself but we are learning about ourselves, who we really are. ‘What must go up must come down’ was a particular favourite saying of mine which was used a lot back in my drug days but it can mean the same for life as well.

My overall message is to keep going, I’ve found a passion of writing and being creative which I lost, I’ve made amazing friends , I’m in an amazing relationship with someone who takes me for all my bad and good , I would have never of thought this would happen to me and it’s not luck. I had a really dark part of my life I found incredibly hard but I’m now on the road of higher frequency. Keep going.

Now do I still have bad days? Yes. Healing isn’t linear so stop comparing yourself. Some days I still feel connected to my past and thus makes perfect sense. My past is part of me just like my present and future, without past I could have been somewhere completely different. We do not seem to trust the future so we stay in the comfort of past. We may be products of our past but that does not mean it has to imprison us. Keep that in mind while travelling on your journey and welcome a new chapter.

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Mental Health

Am I depressed?

Anxiety (1896) by Edvard Munch by The Art Institute of Chicago is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

‘The depression monster’

I like to call depression a monster but would that be fair? I mean it certainly feels that way. Depression is a state of mind which usually arrives after a traumatic experience but for some it can arrive without warning and decides to be part of our life. I can always tell when depression invites itself round for tea. I am snappy, tired, unmotivated and would rather stay in my bed, in fact I can be so god damn horrible that it’s easier to stay in bed for everyone else around me.

Even going to the shower or fridge seems like to take a lot of my energy out of me. For someone who loves cooking and food , frozen food is delicacy on these days. I remember years and years of being in a state of sadness and depression that it almost felt comfortable, Happiness felt peculiar. Depression became a comfort.

I always thought I would be miserable, lonely and angry. I mean how I could be anything else when the mind is clouded by dark thoughts and the world around you feels so bleak it might as well be seen through the lens of an old fashioned black and white camera. In fact it can feel like The Wizard of OZ before any colour. But the colour does arrive eventually. Just like in the film.

I was so consumed by my own darkness the light would have to find a small worm hole to pop through and plus depression became a toxic and comfortable way of living. It was something I was used to.

Happiness! What’s that? Became the question. Isn’t that what we are all after eventually… to feel loved, happy, appreciated.

Now to be honest my depression still lurks around, every so often it does come back to visit but each time it stays less and less. Before it would decide to stay for a few days or in some cases a weeks. Now I’m thankful if my depression only stays for a day. The days are getting better and I’m starting to feel like me again.

I’m starting to heal my inner child. The child that liked to go on adventures outside, that would love to paint and write, the child that liked to laugh and giggle. Now isn’t this the essence of happiness? The small things. The sunshine shining through your bedroom window or the rain patting against the windows on a stormy night, both are beautiful in different ways. The smell of fresh bedding, cuddles from pets and the sound of birds singing.  All of this seems meaningless in the bubble of depression in fact it can be ignored by the sounds of your own mind but the small things remind us of hope. The beauty around you still exists despite how you may feel.

Healing yourself is difficult, it can take months or years. Mine took what felt like forever so don’t be so hard on yourself. The old cliché of ‘it gets better’ is true. I hate to admit it being a stubborn person that would tell someone to ‘F’ off if they told me this. But it’s true. It takes time. We are not born depressed or I guess happy. I mean is that why babies scream when they are first born?  ‘Welcome to earth’ the planet of lessons and learning as I like to say. Earth is never an easy journey.

That’s why we are here. Find the beauty in the world. Life would be ultimately boring if every think went our way.  There are some beautiful souls all around you. The news only shows the bad. Smile at people as you walk by, me being shy found this hard and some people don’t smile back. But that’s ok. We are allowed to have bad days, it makes the good days seem even more amazing.

My 5 tips to helping depression

1 Exercise.

There is no cure for depression maybe except pills, it usually requires a lifestyle change. If you’re into exercise or not, then still give it a try. I started my exercise journey about a year ago and its helped me alot considering I hated exercise. Depression can make you feel low on energy, tired and unmotivated so you may be asking how the hell do I find the energy to go exercise? Well studies have been shown that 20-40 minutes of exercise 3 times a week can in fact help.

When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body.

2- Therapy.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people you know and easier to talk to strangers. Therapy helped me alot, I found talking to someone professionally helped make sense of all the feelings i was feeling. I came out of therapy understanding why I was acting in certain ways and how it was linked to previous trauma. I came out with a feeling of understanding myself and not being too harsh with myself. Therapy can be costly, through research I was able to find a free therapist, it was a long waiting list but it was worth the wait! Please email for some advice on how to find free therapists.

3- Nature and the great outdoors.

A simple but effective way to help boost positivity. I remember being told by a doctor that going for a walk will help. I left feeling somewhat amused that a walk could help my depression ( a load of nonsense I thought) . Walking and going outside is not going to cure you of depression but it certainly helps. For example my favorite place is the beach, living in the UK it will certainly be cold and wet for half the year but the sound of waves crashing against the shore and seeing the power of the waves made me feel calm. I would sit and people watch, watching the world go by, it made me feel less alone. Staying in bed can make things so much worse even though your body wants nothing more but to stay in bed. Please try and get outside even its for 10 minutes , I know how how hard this is but it gets better.

4- Eating healthy and getting enough rest.

During my deepest depression I found myself either eating nothing or binging on ‘treats’ . I don’t think I ever ate anything healthy in Ifact would eat chocolate like no tomorrow. In fact, research has shown that eating processed food is linked to depression and anxiety. Many fast food contain refined carbohydrates which increases low blood sugar, extreme low blood sugar can be the cause of panic attacks, anxiety and insomnia. Now depression can either make you sleep for long periods of time or can can keep you up all night worrying and overthinking, getting the right amount of sleep can be effective on your whole day and mood. I have encountered both ends, the days of being up all night and sleeping all day became awful, when the world is quiet and sleeping and your up all by yourself it can make you feel alone. I’ve attached a book that helped me to stop worrying and overthinking.

5- Books and research.

Books can be a great way of escaping your own reality. Sometimes I like to read Sci-fi or fantasy, it makes me feel that I’m not in my own world. I get that reading isn’t for everybody but there are some great books that have helped me through my journey. From fiction to nonfiction whatever you fancy. Here are some of my great recommendations.