Of course I never set out to be a prostitute although, at one point I wanted to be a stripper, I was ten! Thanks to my brothers American pie DVDs, yes remember DVDS? I remember at school wondering what I would do when I was older. Are we meant to know so young? 20 years later and I’m still wondering. For me I had no idea, I’m sure I made up a conventional answer when asked by the teacher, I guess I didn’t want to be judged by my answer, even at that age. I didn’t really have many hobbies apart from playing with my brats dolls, I was pretty average at school, I’m sure other children knew the answer straight away. ‘I want to be a doctor, I want to be a race car driver or singer’ for me I just didn’t know, maybe I’m just happy to not be put in a category for the rest of my life and be judged by a job title.
I didn’t wake up and decide to be a sex worker I mean do people do that? I suppose it just happened, of course things happen, bad crowds, bad choices and bad people. I always thought I was too shy, too quiet to ever be involved in that sort of lifestyle but life is full of surprises. Like many I struggled with school and college in fact I hated going to school as a little one, I didn’t see the point of going to school to play with other children when I was pretty content playing on my own. I’ve always kept a small number of friends and that suited me pretty well even till this day.
I found sex work lonely but in a way I enjoyed my company, I worked for myself ,I was pretty laid back meaning work sometimes didn’t start till 1pm, I’ve always been a night owl and would be up till late. The song ‘wicked and lazy’ comes to mind, I’m sure this song was wrote about me, in fact I’m sure of it. I enjoyed the money until I developed a drug habit, then money just became a necessity for addiction rather than for luxury. Eventually fast money became tiresome and un-thrilling. Once I made it, it usually would be gone in an instance and by that I mean up my nose.
Sex is great when you’re not being smothered by hairy, overweight men, unless that’s your thing. A lot of the men were nice and polite, it made up for the assholes. I guess assholes are everywhere and are not immune to certain jobs. Did I enjoy getting robbed and assaulted? No, but it was better than working in a 9–5 office, sitting in the employee lunch canteen doing small talk with people you deep down despise, especially when you’re socially awkward like me. I would pick the hairy overweight men over that anytime.
Maybe I should have come out of the industry full of confidence. Men desiring me should have made me feel more powerful but I came out with more insecurities than when I first started. I’m 27 now and in the sex world that’s pretty old. I guess you could say I’ve now retired although without much retire money to retire on, due to my own bad choices. We live and we learn. But one thing that has happened… I became strong and empowered, in a different way. I have learnt a whole new level of self-love, something that money and people could never buy or give. I have learnt about myself, accepted the past me and learnt to respect the past me too. And here I am. Still growing and thriving ready for the next chapter to begin.
I am in the middle of my transformation and I’m here to tell you it does get better but first a little bit about me. I had hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor sniffing cocaine with a bottle of vodka besides me, I knew this was my rock bottom, of course this started out every week then every month and eventually lasted 5 years, every single day! On top of that I had been a sex worker from the age of 18 and was stuck in a lifestyle in my opinion that was very low vibrational, eventually my demons caught up with me and my life became a darkness I had never felt before.
Sitting on a bathroom floor on my own I had no choice but to acknowledge my shadow self, from substance abuse, lifestyle and childhood trauma. Of course all of this lead me to my shadow self. I carried shame, a victim mind set and bags of depression tied with childhood trauma. It was only once I sat with my shadow self I could then begin my healing journey to the transformation I am going through today.
When life became shit, everything felt shit, everything seemed to go shit, let’s just say life was pretty shit. I would blame the universe, cry out for help, and make promises to the sky that I would change. I was angry to say the least. I hated the world. I had no friends, nobody to talk too accept ‘GOD’ and at this point I didn’t really believe in any religion or really dug into my spiritual side, I was pretty desperate. The darker everything got the more I wanted to give up. ‘What’s the point?’ ‘I’ve already messed up, no coming back from this’ ‘I will never be able to sort my life out’ were constant thoughts going through my head.
Being a prostitute from the age of 18 I had no job prospects to fall back on, a raging coke addiction that almost killed me as well as unhealed trauma, I knew that this was going to be one hell of a climb to get back up again, it felt almost impossible, the lifestyle I was consuming felt easier than having to re start again I mean who wants to start again?. To make matters worse I was stuck in an abusive relationship, someone I met at the age of 16 who was my pimp, I still haven’t healed from this relationship. I stayed in this relationship due to drugs and keeping a roof over my head as moving back to my parents at the time wasn’t the right option.
Now welcome to the year 2023 and it’s been 3 years and I’m in a totally new place, a much better one mentally, physically and emotionally although all three still needs some work, It’s only now as I am writing this I realise how far I’ve come. I try to leave my ego at the door of what I could have done differently. Do I regret it? That’s a tough one. I regret some decision but overall NO. Of course in the beginning I would have said yes, it was a very lonely, dark, and strange experience, my soul went through something called the dark night of the soul or should I say nights as mine lasted 5 years! It’s made me strong, I have gained wisdom that I hope will help with others on their journey to higher self.
Now you’re probably wondering how I done this and I am sorry to say there is no shoe fits all answer but I’m very open to giving advice that could help you on your journey. My advice would be if you are or have hit rock bottom and you will surely know just know that from there the only way is up… if you choose.
Rock bottom is a strange one, it can become a blessing in disguise although it sure as hell does not feel that way. Rock bottom is a bit of a trickster, it makes you feel that this is it. Rock bottom can either go 2 ways, down further which could result in death or suicide, which in the moment can seem like the right thing to do, or it can only propel you upwards, sort of like a spring. I imagine rock bottom handing you a ladder out of your dark place, but the ladder has steps missing, its filled with splinters and you can’t see the top it looks almost never ending. It sure doesn’t look easy, you might rather just stay where you are but there is always that part of you… ‘hope’ ‘what if?’ so we climb that ladder not knowing what is at the top or even if there is anything even worth climbing for but I promise you will find something and it won’t be at all what you imagined it will be better. Eventually the ladder has to reach somewhere that’s the whole point but don’t threaten if you sometimes take a few steps down as long as the top is your goal you will get there eventually.
Trust the process. I always come back to the yin and yang teachings. Balance. Now a beautiful day would not exist if we didn’t have dark days, in fact we wouldn’t even appreciate the brighter days without the dark. Both dark and light must be acknowledged for us to become our higher selves, both are just as important. Imagine sitting in a dark room for days and days and suddenly a ray of light shines through, imagine how that would make you feel.
Don’t be so damn hard on yourself! Appreciate yourself, look at all you have been through and who you are today, I’m sure your inner child would be proud, the fact your reading this is a sign you’re on the right track even if that track is filled with blocks and all sorts of road damage.
Everything bad that has happened to us is for a reason, I like to think of life as a school. We are not just learning about life itself but we are learning about ourselves, who we really are. ‘What must go up must come down’ was a particular favourite saying of mine which was used a lot back in my drug days but it can mean the same for life as well.
My overall message is to keep going, I’ve found a passion of writing and being creative which I lost, I’ve made amazing friends , I’m in an amazing relationship with someone who takes me for all my bad and good , I would have never of thought this would happen to me and it’s not luck. I had a really dark part of my life I found incredibly hard but I’m now on the road of higher frequency. Keep going.
Now do I still have bad days? Yes. Healing isn’t linear so stop comparing yourself. Some days I still feel connected to my past and thus makes perfect sense. My past is part of me just like my present and future, without past I could have been somewhere completely different. We do not seem to trust the future so we stay in the comfort of past. We may be products of our past but that does not mean it has to imprison us. Keep that in mind while travelling on your journey and welcome a new chapter.
Are you into older men or in an age gap relationship? It’s more common than you think and that doesn’t mean you have daddy issues. Maybe you like a silver fox, maybe the idea of a more accomplished man is more attractive , from experience I’m here to tell you my top 5 tips to know while dating an older man. Time and time again we have seen age gap relationships work, take Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas for example (yes a very attractive couple) who celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary in 2022. Amazing!
I am dating someone 25 years my senior, we have been together for just over 3 years now, we started dating during Covid lockdown and soon moved in together (due to the restrictions) ,this has given me a unique perspective into seeing what it’s like to be with an older man 24 7 (literally) so let’s get into it.
I’ve never had a problem with dating an older man although, my first I can say so far so good! It can cause stereotypes and some judgement although I’ve never really had anyone have a problem with it , of course the occasional stares and “is that your daughter?” comment which is always funny, most people apologise after realising , to be honest it doesn’t bother me in the slightest, it gives us a good laugh.
If you are dating an older man please know this is completely normal and more common than you think, or course provided you are of age to make such a decision, otherwise it can be classed as grooming or damn right creepy and illegal!
That classic saying of ‘age is just a number’ can ring true. It took me a while to tell relatives about my relationship for I guess, society issues and maybe my fear of judgement. My family and friends were completely ok with it in the end, but I guess not everyone shares the same experience.
I say this with my heart – F’ what others think! It’s your life do what makes you happy and if doesn’t work out at least you have learnt. Lessons are valuable and this can resonate with any relationship, job, family life etc. Once you stop giving an F’, life becomes a whole lot easier.
Now all relationships have quarrels but being called a Millennial as an insult it quite the one! Now sure I am a Millennial blah blah blah and we were both born in different generations but frequently being told ‘back in my day we didn’t have phones, it was more fun’ or something along those lines can be causes of household debates! It’s also great to hear how much cheaper it was and how you could afford to buy a house… ok I guess I’m starting to talk like a millennial but you get my drift. The arguments can be very interesting dating an older man.
You can learn a lot from someone who has lived more years on earth, with age comes wisdom and knowledge, words of experience and encouragement. Plus I’ve found some really cool bands and artists from the 80’s that I much more enjoy listening too than modern music. He has opened my eyes too as to how women should be treated and I feel greatly appreciated for who I am. And might I add the sex is pretty damn good too!
There are many celebrity age gap relationships that have blossomed, take for example George Clooney and Amal Clooney that seemed to shock the world in 2014 with a 17 year age gap. Forward to 2023 and they are still thriving, the world doesn’t seem to care anymore. Now we all know Leonardo DiCaprio has a certain sell by date, it seems as soon as his girlfriend(s) turns 25 they are way too old, yes this is a bit bizarre and it does give a certain image of creepy but I guess all his girlfriends are over 18 (barely) and ‘hello’ its Leonardo DiCaprio so I guess he can do what he likes! Right? But it begs the question is it wrong for an older man to only want to date a younger women? I guess it could come off as ‘predator vibes’. Maturity would be a key factor here, ever heard of Peter Pan syndrome? Basically people who find it hard to grow up. Let’s be honest nobody wants a man child so bare this in mind when considering dating an older man.
5 tips on dating an older man.
1: Be prepared for compromise.
Compromise is key. All relationships have problems so bare this in mind, all relationships require some sort of compromise even if both parties are of similar age , but what compromises are needed when perhaps you are of a different generation?.
When dating we tend to gravitate towards people who may have the same music taste as us or perhaps a favorite film or TV series/hobbies and interests , sure these are not fundamental things for a successful relationship but they do help and it gives common ground for things to talk and bond over, but don’t be underwhelmed if this is not the case. I love talking to my older partner about deep issues and interesting topics, topics perhaps i’ve never thought to discuss before especially with people of my age and no we don’t end up talking about the war he’s not that old but you get the point , I found dating younger men wasn’t my cup of tea and the conversations didn’t seem to flow. Be open to new ways of looking at life.
ADVICE: learn about each other , older people can teach us great lessons in life, I’m sure you have had wise words from an older relative and it usually is the best advice so don’t be daunted by this, it’s actually a really good thing to have. Hey, he might not know much about Tik Tok or care about any of the latest Kardashian news although neither do i, just be open to all sorts. Learning about each other can be a great way to build a stable relationship, it’s exciting , mysterious and a great way to bond.
2: Different Stages in life.
Be prepared that you might be at different stages in life and that is OK. For example while dating an older man he might have already accomplished a successful career or be in a stable position whereas, you might be just starting out new and figuring things out, everyone has to start from somewhere . I think this is also a great position to be in as it gives you more free time to be able to figure out what you want while being supported . The downside to this is it could cause friction , it can be a lonely place when your trying to make something of yourself while other people around you may have it already ‘figured‘ out
ADVICE: No matter how old you are , nobody has life figured out , it’s a lie , we assume as we get older life magically figures itself out…News flash it doesn’t! We are forever learning even as we get older so don’t put too much pressure on yourself . Life is a sprint not a race as they say. Ever heard of the old fable ‘The Tortoise and the haire’ , I think you could say it has a valuable lesson if you are feeling left behind.
3: Lifestyle.
Being younger, you may have not experienced as much whereas your older partner has ‘been there , done that’ . I found personally being in my 20’s that I was much more inclined to want to go out, stay up later , be more adventurous , whereas my partner spent his 20’s already doing that so this wasn’t as appealing.
ADVICE: Find something you both like doing, explore more hobbies, take turns exploring each others interests. I think it’s a great idea to have friendships of all ages . Just because a man is older doesn’t mean he is ‘boring’ , partying becomes boring eventually, you will be surprised how much fun you can have together just going for walks or going away together. You may have different ideas about ‘fun’ and take into consideration this is not one shoe fits all, just because we get older doesn’t mean life turns stale, parties can be more fun but the hangovers can be a lot worst.
4: Be prepared for judgement.
Many times I’ve been out with my partner , we get stares as I mentioned above . Take it on the chin , most people really don’t care so why should you ? People love to assume. My advice would be to simply not care , you most likely won’t see these people ever again and as long as you’re happy so be it. Most people are curious rather than judgemental. Be prepared for ‘ hey is that your sugar daddy?‘ ‘he must be rich‘ ‘ you must be a gold digger’ and the most common one ‘is that your dad?’ .
ADVICE: People can be ignorant and judgemental with the ‘out of the norm’ relationships, while we may idolise the perfect picket fence husband and wife we see on TV lets forward to 2023 were we have less and less people getting married and women are becoming more independent with flourishing careers, lets just say getting married and having kids isn’t so much of the ideal anymore. I promise you people are becoming less judgemental and of course in a world where you can be cancelled and filmed at any given moment and spread on the internet people are being less inclined to speak on their opinions but as I said prepare for stares as staring is not YET illegal. Back to my point, each relationship requires a meeting in the middle, what works for you may not work for someone else so try to lessen your concerns about others opinions. Do what makes you happy, easier said than done I know but it’s YOUR life. Age gap relationships CAN work and vice versa.
5: The past.
Dating an older man as we have discussed he may have already travelled , done a lot of things that are on your bucket list but what about past relationships? He may have already been married, had a lot more girlfriends and long term relationships , he may have had children or has children that are grown and flown the nest, of course not for everyone but it’s much more likely. Take this into consideration, it can be alot to take on any partner having children with another person. Be mindful and ask yourself if that’s something you can handle.
ADVICE: Don’t be jealous! You can’t change the past. A positive way to look at this is that maybe he’s grown from these experiences, heart break the lot! In most cases ( but not all) he has probably matured a lot from these life experiences and at an older age is more likely to settle down and take things more serious, of course this is something you won’t find out until you start taking it serious. Most guys in their 20’s -30’s aren’t looking to settle down straight away , older men in most cases DO!
I like to call depression a monster but would that be fair? I mean it certainly feels that way. Depression is a state of mind which usually arrives after a traumatic experience but for some it can arrive without warning and decides to be part of our life. I can always tell when depression invites itself round for tea. I am snappy, tired, unmotivated and would rather stay in my bed, in fact I can be so god damn horrible that it’s easier to stay in bed for everyone else around me.
Even going to the shower or fridge seems like to take a lot of my energy out of me. For someone who loves cooking and food , frozen food is delicacy on these days. I remember years and years of being in a state of sadness and depression that it almost felt comfortable, Happiness felt peculiar. Depression became a comfort.
I always thought I would be miserable, lonely and angry. I mean how I could be anything else when the mind is clouded by dark thoughts and the world around you feels so bleak it might as well be seen through the lens of an old fashioned black and white camera. In fact it can feel like The Wizard of OZ before any colour. But the colour does arrive eventually. Just like in the film.
I was so consumed by my own darkness the light would have to find a small worm hole to pop through and plus depression became a toxic and comfortable way of living. It was something I was used to.
Happiness! What’s that? Became the question. Isn’t that what we are all after eventually… to feel loved, happy, appreciated.
Now to be honest my depression still lurks around, every so often it does come back to visit but each time it stays less and less. Before it would decide to stay for a few days or in some cases a weeks. Now I’m thankful if my depression only stays for a day. The days are getting better and I’m starting to feel like me again.
I’m starting to heal my inner child. The child that liked to go on adventures outside, that would love to paint and write, the child that liked to laugh and giggle. Now isn’t this the essence of happiness? The small things. The sunshine shining through your bedroom window or the rain patting against the windows on a stormy night, both are beautiful in different ways. The smell of fresh bedding, cuddles from pets and the sound of birds singing. All of this seems meaningless in the bubble of depression in fact it can be ignored by the sounds of your own mind but the small things remind us of hope. The beauty around you still exists despite how you may feel.
Healing yourself is difficult, it can take months or years. Mine took what felt like forever so don’t be so hard on yourself. The old cliché of ‘it gets better’ is true. I hate to admit it being a stubborn person that would tell someone to ‘F’ off if they told me this. But it’s true. It takes time. We are not born depressed or I guess happy. I mean is that why babies scream when they are first born? ‘Welcome to earth’ the planet of lessons and learning as I like to say. Earth is never an easy journey.
That’s why we are here. Find the beauty in the world. Life would be ultimately boring if every think went our way. There are some beautiful souls all around you. The news only shows the bad. Smile at people as you walk by, me being shy found this hard and some people don’t smile back. But that’s ok. We are allowed to have bad days, it makes the good days seem even more amazing.
My 5 tips to helping depression
1 Exercise.
There is no cure for depression maybe except pills, it usually requires a lifestyle change. If you’re into exercise or not, then still give it a try. I started my exercise journey about a year ago and its helped me alot considering I hated exercise. Depression can make you feel low on energy, tired and unmotivated so you may be asking how the hell do I find the energy to go exercise? Well studies have been shown that 20-40 minutes of exercise 3 times a week can in fact help.
When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body.
2- Therapy.
Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people you know and easier to talk to strangers. Therapy helped me alot, I found talking to someone professionally helped make sense of all the feelings i was feeling. I came out of therapy understanding why I was acting in certain ways and how it was linked to previous trauma. I came out with a feeling of understanding myself and not being too harsh with myself. Therapy can be costly, through research I was able to find a free therapist, it was a long waiting list but it was worth the wait! Please email for some advice on how to find free therapists.
3- Nature and the great outdoors.
A simple but effective way to help boost positivity. I remember being told by a doctor that going for a walk will help. I left feeling somewhat amused that a walk could help my depression ( a load of nonsense I thought) . Walking and going outside is not going to cure you of depression but it certainly helps. For example my favorite place is the beach, living in the UK it will certainly be cold and wet for half the year but the sound of waves crashing against the shore and seeing the power of the waves made me feel calm. I would sit and people watch, watching the world go by, it made me feel less alone. Staying in bed can make things so much worse even though your body wants nothing more but to stay in bed. Please try and get outside even its for 10 minutes , I know how how hard this is but it gets better.
4- Eating healthy and getting enough rest.
During my deepest depression I found myself either eating nothing or binging on ‘treats’ . I don’t think I ever ate anything healthy in Ifact would eat chocolate like no tomorrow. In fact, research has shown that eating processed food is linked to depression and anxiety. Many fast food contain refined carbohydrates which increases low blood sugar, extreme low blood sugar can be the cause of panic attacks, anxiety and insomnia. Now depression can either make you sleep for long periods of time or can can keep you up all night worrying and overthinking, getting the right amount of sleep can be effective on your whole day and mood. I have encountered both ends, the days of being up all night and sleeping all day became awful, when the world is quiet and sleeping and your up all by yourself it can make you feel alone. I’ve attached a book that helped me to stop worrying and overthinking.
5- Books and research.
Books can be a great way of escaping your own reality. Sometimes I like to read Sci-fi or fantasy, it makes me feel that I’m not in my own world. I get that reading isn’t for everybody but there are some great books that have helped me through my journey. From fiction to nonfiction whatever you fancy. Here are some of my great recommendations.
Sex,drugs and mental health. 